There is something I am sure I want in this life and it is not what I 'currently' have....(Story Time)

     There are many things that I am uncertain about in this life that I have. I have no damn clue on what the hell I am doing anymore. Most days I do not feel happy with my current situation that I am in that is for sure. I feel unhappy most days, and unsure if is what I am currently wanting to deal with at the moment. My mental state of mind and current events that I am in make me feel that I am unworthy of more. or any good thing that comes my way. As for most of my life I was made to think that I was not worth it of anything good and made to feel unwanted to a certain extent. I was made to think that everything that I did good was not good enough in any way at all. Made to think that when I felt happy it was not oaky or good in any way at all in any shape or form. Currently it feels as if I am at my lowest point in my life in some way. Bills I have to pay that I am behind on, with a job that does not pay enough. As well as on the verge of being evicted from my apartment if I do not pay the remanding balance that I owe by the 19th of April. I have been doing UberEATS deliveries for a few hours after work, and on days that I am off from work, to supplement my income, but at times it is not enough as they do not pay enough to survive or make ends meet even with a normal full-time job. 

    If I had a car or van, I would most likely live in it rather than pay rent, just to save all my money instead of 'throwing it away' on rent. As it would give me the chance to live off grid in some way, especially if I had a job that was remote or work from home. Van life in some wat has been something I been wanting to do for some time. Yes, I know there are some risks to doing that, specially being a woman with a small dog. But it has been something I have been wanting to do for some time. Though I don't mind working with people or in a team and such, I much rather work on my own as I feel that I do my best when doing things on my own. I dislike being rushed for everything, and people blearing on my ear how I need to be faster/quicker and such. I dislike pressure very so much, and working with people face to face. I am not much of a social person. Being rushed and pressured to do something makes my anxiety go through the roof and makes me go slower than I should be doing things. I am unsure why that happens. As it makes me feel as if I am not doing good enough. 

    Perhaps I could just be the problem and I am the one who does not understand how things should go or be. Or perhaps it could be the tome of my voice and how I say things and people may take it wrong even though I do not mean to be rude or mean and people thinking I have an attitude problem when I do not, just the way I say things. Yes, I do sound very stern when I talk for a lack of better wording. Many people have said that I have to sound nicer and less stern or whatever. I do not know how to sound nicer, as whenever I have tried sounding 'nicer' people think I want something or ask if I'm okay or whatever. I do not know what people want from me and at this point I already gave up on changing myself for the sake of others. Yes, I may be too much of this or too much of that, and that is fine. Perhaps people should go look for less and stop trying to make other change for their own sake. At my age now I do not change for the sake of others, I am focusing on myself to make myself happy not others. Whether people like it or not, it's how it is. Some people may not like that at all, but the ones who love you and care for who you truly are will stay in your life and the ones that don't will leave and say you are the bad guy in the story, either way start making yourself happy and love yourself more. And buy yourself flowers like that Mikey Cirus song and take your damn self out to dinner the dog included or whatever pet you have, your four-legged bestie. As they will love you truly nor will judge you in anyway, as they are always up to party and cheer you up no matter what, unless you have a cat then they will judge you so hard and leave markings, just make sure you have that catnip on hand just in case...

    Welp....that is it for today everyone! Enough about my complaints about life and other stuff. Tell me what's your story and what would you do in such situation. Looking forward to reading your comments..

                                             With Love,

                                                            Venuz <3