Hey hows everyone doing, Im doing pretty good. Not as great as I would like to though, or at least not today. Though tomorrow will be a different day right?? Just today, didn’t feel that great, Im happy that I got to spend the day with my fur baby Toby (dog). I love spending every second of the day with him. Just today though, every bad memory and everything bad that could ever had happened to me came back to me.
Such as when I was dating a guy from high school, abused me physically, mentally and emotionally, from junior year in high school all the way to the first two years of college I attended after I graduated high school. He gaslited me the whole time he and I were together. He wouldn’t let me talk to my family or friends, hurt my dogs, my whole being he hurt. I thought I ¨loved¨ him, it was all a facade that he put up and made me believe. Young and naive I was yes, but at the time I thought it was all true, like I knew the world. I didn’t want to listen to anyone not even the ones who were warning me about it all, specially my mother, the one person who knew best and saw all his bullshit. I didn’t listen to her, didn’t even want to see any of the damn red flags. But I became stronger because of him, I am a much better and stronger person. I am glad that it all happened the way it did in a way, yet I wish it never really happened the way it all did. I could have had a better life now if I would had listened and payed attention to it all. Life happened the way it was supped to happen right??
Not everyday, but every once in a while I get nightmares about the person who sexually abused me when I was five years old, as well as when I got raped a few years ago, when I was 26. That breaks my heart that it happened. I perhaps should not even give it a second thought but it feels difficult do even not do so. What’s even more difficult is telling my self that it was never my fault, because it never was. For one I was a child the first time it even happened, that damn child predator pedofile ruined part of my childhood, as well the person who ruined now majority of my adulthood life is the one who raped me. I never though it would ever happen to me, being sexually abused or raped. I remember the last call the detective on the case, gave to me was to let me know that the person who raped me died, in a way I was happy but at the same time I was not. I wanted the person to be behind bars and experience what he did to me. In a way though it all happed the way it all needed to happen. I still don’t know how to feel about that, I’m not sure till how to feel about it all. Don’t know if I should feel angry, happy, upset. I don’t know how to feel about all still. There’s days when I feel so very angry I want to punch something, other days I feel so happy I want the whole world to know, other days I just want to scream, just scream and let it all out. There is those days where I just do not want to know or do anything at all, not even get off bed. I don’t even feel my self some days, not even human I feel. A lot if the time I don’t even know how to feel anymore or how to even act.
Love & Peace
Venuz
