Hey Everyone! The week so far has been good to me..

     Hello everyone! I know it has been a while since I have talked to you, last time I talked to you was about a week ago? I think I talked about work and mental health things. But anyways, so! Monday this week I started a new job, and it has been good so far with the exception of waking up extra early to get ready, get Toby out for his business at an ungodly hour of the day, which is unfair for him. Poor thing just looks at me like 'what the heckin is the issue why are you taking me out at this hour, its sleepy time' but then again, he has the whole day to sleep it all off until I come back from work and gets to go out again for another walk at a 'normal' time. As I mentioned I started a new job on Monday, and it's at a Dunkin' Donuts. I am liking it so far, and what is making me like it more is that I get to start early enough normal human hours when I get off, I get to be home earlier to spend more time with the dog. Which I am liking, because who does not want to spent time with the dog right?!?! I am all for it, to spend more time with the dog more often than not.

    When I was looking for a job for almost two months, it felt like I was not going to find a new job. I even had applied at my old job at the casino, even though I am just not okay anymore working the night shift anymore, I wanted them to call me and 'interview me' and offer me the job back. I was getting paid good, heck! It's a casino of course they pay well, with benefits included (i.e. medical, vision, dentist) I wanted that, but they never did call me back, the application I had put in is still 'under review' but at this time it does not even matter really anymore. I now feel more like a normal person working normal working hours during the daytime rather than working the nightshift. As it was screwing with my mental health which is not at all okay in any way at all, to me at least. Now that I have daytime working hours, I feel better about myself, and my mental health is in a better place now than when I was working the night shift. Not that I have much of a social life, but when I was working the night shift it felt like I did not have a social life in any way, since I was sleeping the whole day, just to wake up at night only to head to work when everyone is asleep and sleep when everyone is awake working or out doing something 'fun' whatever it was. The poor dog was even awake during the time I was asleep getting some rest just to do it all over again during the night. It was not okay for me in any way, especially for the dog waiting on me to get up and take him out to the patio area. I just did not think it was okay for me specially for the dog. I did not even get to see my family over the holidays because I was working the night shift.

    Now it's all over for a long while, not having to work the night shift anymore, now I get to have more of a social life to put like that, I get to do normal things like go out and have some type of fun. I like the fact that I get to go out to the Arts District and take Toby with me for some fun and experience more things and see what all the fun is about. I even get to do UberEATS deliveries during the daytime as well, and have fun while doing that, and Toby gets to come along as well as it gets him out of the house for longer periods of time, people love it when I bring Toby with me, my four-legged bestie with me. 

    That is, it for now guys! I just wanted to give you all some type of update on what has been going on with me since last we spoke. I hope you guys are having the best day or night wherever you are in the world! Stay safe, well talk soon.

                                            With Love,

                                                        Venuz

           p.s. Remember that you are amazing and beautiful! You are wanted!

A Letter to My Teenage Self..

     Hello there young me, I know times are rough, though. I know you think things are not going to get better, perhaps nothing is going to change, and it all feels like a nightmare. I know you do not trust anyone at the moment in any sort of way. You are trying your hardest to be someone or something and trying to fit in somewhere, your peers and trying for mom's approval, yet all she does is destroy your views and tells you that you're nothing, and probably will ever be nothing. Mom does not show you the love that you crave neither does she tell you that she is proud of you in any way, nor does she show it. But trust me everything will be okay. Perhaps there will be many times you will be trying may therapists and maybe some of them do not fit or you feel comfortable with them or feel that you can trust them, and you may feel like you are being judged by them. But trust me you will find the right therapist that you feel comfortable with and trust, and you'll be able to tell him everything or almost everything. He will help you in may ways than you think. 

    When you got sexually assaulted/raped at age 26 it was one of the most traumatic things that could have had happened to you. You did not know how you would overcome it, and thought it was all your fault, which it was not your fault in any sort of way at all. Mom believed you when the rape happened, she helped you with some of the nightmares and told you that you were going to be okay. Your therapist will help you overcome that day by day. The more you talk about it with him and perhaps other people it will help you realize it was never your fault. Same when you got sexually abused when you were just six years old. Your mom believed you and took you away from that predator and helped get him in prison for the rest of his life. Your grandma thought it was all your fault that this predator did such horrific things, how dare she say you a six-year-old was at fault for such horrific shit. What a piece of shit of a person to say her granddaughter a six-year-old was at fault for this disgusting predator to do such thing. But you will be okay, it is not going to define you or who you are. 

    When you, mom and sister moved to Las Vegas it felt okay to get away from all the wrong things going on with mom in Texas. 

    When you were I think a sophomore or Junior in high school you got a boyfriend and you 'loved him' he gave you the sun and the moon. He was your first love. You thought you 'loved' him. It all felt so right at the time, but you never thought he would do what he did. Low key he started abusing you mentally and emotionally, he got you pregnant at 18 and never did anything about it, thought you had cheated on him. Always blamed you were cheating when in reality he was the one cheating on you but blaming it all on you. The time he got your pregnant you wanted to keep the baby, and thought you were able to handle it. But the best thing that could had ever happen to you was have a miscarriage and lose the baby. You were not ready to be a mother even though you thought you were ready and able to handle it. When you and he lived together for a while that is when things got worse emotionally and mentally and that is when he started physically abusing you as well. You were blinded by the 'love' you had for him. You did not think there was anything wrong going on. Until this one time he beat you with a broom, punched you, kicked you and pulled your hair. When he started beating you with a broom it broke and cut you on your left thumb. You were so scared for yourself and your dogs, you screamed with all you had, the neighbors' called the police. When they got there you were so traumatized, you weren't able to talk nor answer any of the questions the police were asking. You were taken to jail because he abused you. You were full of bruises, full of blood, battered and beaten by this person. You shut sown in every single way. You did not know what had happened, everything felt like a nightmare. Mom helped you get a restraining order against him, which helped in some sort of way, but not fully. You were still scared and traumatized by the whole thing, you did not talk for days or even weeks. You did not even want to go out anywhere at all. 

    Everything will be okay, you will get through it, and your therapist will help you through it as well. He will understand your problems, and assure you that everything will be okay, and that you were never at fault, and that it was never your fault. He will help you and guide you through everything and let you know it was never your fault. Shit happened yes but is what made you stronger than you thought you would be. Now you are stronger than ever and could help someone that may be in the same situation. 

    Just know that everything will be okay, YOU WILL BE OKAY!! It is what made you stronger, and more aware of everything. Helped you see peoples 'true colors' and not be trustworthy of just anyone. It helps you know who you can truly trust and who you cannot trust and be aware of your surroundings and of people. Yes, you may not have enough friends and just keep to yourself but that'll be because you are doing your best to understand yourself more and keep yourself safe. Just know that you will be okay and that everything will be okay. Remember that everything is what made you stronger than you ever thought you were or will be. 

    Remember that you are more than your fears.

                            With Love,

                                        Venuz <3