It Feels Good…

   Today as we celebrate the 4th of July, I am celebrating it with family. I feel happy that I get to be with family this day, not because its a holiday or the 4th of July, but because I get to spend it with family. Something I did not think was possible as we are trying to heal past troubles, and traumas between us. Now that there is a new addition to our family, my nephew. That makes it all more too magical, as I never thought I was going to be an aunt this soon or ever, and now having a baby in the family it all just seems surreal yet happy and all okay.

    It makes me feel okay with my self that I am now starting to be a little bit closer wtih my sister, getting to know her all over again. Though perhaps things may not be the same as they were in the past with me and my family, but I want to believe its going to get better as time goes by. I hope things with my sister and I get better and become closer in so me way, as well as with my mom I hope everything gets better with her and I. Things changed overtime with us all, I am not so sure where everything went so wrong so bad, so fast that now I feel I dont know who I truly am or who my family is anymore. Though having spent one day wiht my family it all felt so right, it in some way felt like a dream, a dream I did not want to get away from.

    

Letter to my sister: Dear Sister...

Hi, Its Venuz....

   I wanted to write a letter to my dear sister that I do not talk to anymore,

Hi dear sister, I wanted to say to you that I miss you so much, I know there has been a lot of difficulties between us. A lot of fights and everything else in between, I know every single or almost every single reason you do not want to talk to me anymore and I understand. I have been a bad person and I do not blame you for it. I know you dislike me very much for the things I have done in the past and I do not blame you for it. I wish I hadn't done any of that. 

   I wish I know why I even did such things, but I can't even explain to my self why, I wish I know why things happened that way but I don't. I just wish I could go back in time and change such things and we could still be okay, and be the awesome sisters we were but I can not change any of that. I know you will never forgive me for any of that. I understand that, I just wish that you and I could have one talk without judgement towards each other. I just wish you knew or you probably know how difficult it is for our mom, that you and I cannot talk anymore. Yes I know she is afraid of me for the things I have done. I know you are too, but most of all I know you are angry for everything as well. I am angry at my self too for the things I have done and how I have hurted you and my mom, most of all our mom. I never meant to hurt you or her at any moment. Maybe anger got to me or just everything that has been going on with me got the best of me. 

   It hurts not being able to be close to you like we used to be, remember how close you and I used to be?? You and I used to be best friends we used to tell each other almost everything. All the crazy things we did and how much fun you and I used to have before the bad things happened. It hurts me how much of a bad person I became and the things I did hurts me and haunts me every hour of the day. Wishing I never had done such things, but what can I do when I can't go back in time and change everything. I just wish you and I a long with mom could have a talk all three of us, but we cannot because you just don't want too and I do not blame you. If I were you I would not want to talk to my own sister. Yet I would want to hear her out on why she did the things she did, but I know you don't want to and that is ok. I wont make you not force you do such things. 

   I want you to know that I miss you dearly and I would love to at least see you one last time even if is a 'hi, how you doing.' But I know that will never happen, or at least that is what my heart tells me that it wont. Its ok though, though like I have said before I never meant to hurt no one specially you and mom at all. I just miss your company and moms company, how I would see you guys everyday doing our thing then at the end of the day we would see each other even if it was for few minutes and we would talk about our day and what not. But that is a long lost thing that I don't think it'll happen anymore. Just wish I could go back to the old times where we all three of us or just you and I would hand out and talk about random things and what not. I miss those days so much.

   Remember when you and I used to go to the Strip and walk around with our bags and go back and forth trough the coca-cola store and get free sodas and get them all full and when it was time to go wait for mom we had so much soda on our bags it would last us for few weeks until next time we went to the strip for more? And how you and I would split the money for food, and buy water if we needed some water?? I miss those times so much, and how people would look at us weird because we would wear sweaters in the middle of summer. How we used to go to every first friday, and we were the 'Scene sisters' you were the metal head scene and I was the punk/rock scene. It was funny, yet so much fun. But those are long lost memories that I have on the back of my head. Maybe I just want to remember all the good times you and I had, and all the good times we had with mom as well. 

   Wonder were time went that you and I just one day we desided to not be the best of sisters nor best friends we used to be. Maybe it was just time to part ways and puff live our lives different, apart from each other. Yes I know it was as well for the things I have done and said in the past, but that is all ok, just hope one day we could just have a talk or a 'hi, how you doing' kind of thing. I miss you dearly kid. Have an awesome life, I am happy for the things you have accomplished in life.

   I want you to know as well that I had made a BBIIIIG humongus promise to you that I will stop cutting my self and stop doing self harm. Every time I did such things I always see it on your eyes that it hurted you and that you disliked when I did such thing/s. You had asked me many times to stop doing it and I couldn't stop my self from doing such things. But when I realized I was hurting you and my mom but mostly you from harming my self. I made a promise to you that I was going to stop doing it and I did. From that day forward I stopped because I did not want you to keep seeing that. Because of you I stopped. You are the reason for that.

Love you Kid!! 

   Jupiter (Venus) <3

P.S. I know you'll never get to read this, but is for you though kid.