A Letter to My Teenage Self..

     Hello there young me, I know times are rough, though. I know you think things are not going to get better, perhaps nothing is going to change, and it all feels like a nightmare. I know you do not trust anyone at the moment in any sort of way. You are trying your hardest to be someone or something and trying to fit in somewhere, your peers and trying for mom's approval, yet all she does is destroy your views and tells you that you're nothing, and probably will ever be nothing. Mom does not show you the love that you crave neither does she tell you that she is proud of you in any way, nor does she show it. But trust me everything will be okay. Perhaps there will be many times you will be trying may therapists and maybe some of them do not fit or you feel comfortable with them or feel that you can trust them, and you may feel like you are being judged by them. But trust me you will find the right therapist that you feel comfortable with and trust, and you'll be able to tell him everything or almost everything. He will help you in may ways than you think. 

    When you got sexually assaulted/raped at age 26 it was one of the most traumatic things that could have had happened to you. You did not know how you would overcome it, and thought it was all your fault, which it was not your fault in any sort of way at all. Mom believed you when the rape happened, she helped you with some of the nightmares and told you that you were going to be okay. Your therapist will help you overcome that day by day. The more you talk about it with him and perhaps other people it will help you realize it was never your fault. Same when you got sexually abused when you were just six years old. Your mom believed you and took you away from that predator and helped get him in prison for the rest of his life. Your grandma thought it was all your fault that this predator did such horrific things, how dare she say you a six-year-old was at fault for such horrific shit. What a piece of shit of a person to say her granddaughter a six-year-old was at fault for this disgusting predator to do such thing. But you will be okay, it is not going to define you or who you are. 

    When you, mom and sister moved to Las Vegas it felt okay to get away from all the wrong things going on with mom in Texas. 

    When you were I think a sophomore or Junior in high school you got a boyfriend and you 'loved him' he gave you the sun and the moon. He was your first love. You thought you 'loved' him. It all felt so right at the time, but you never thought he would do what he did. Low key he started abusing you mentally and emotionally, he got you pregnant at 18 and never did anything about it, thought you had cheated on him. Always blamed you were cheating when in reality he was the one cheating on you but blaming it all on you. The time he got your pregnant you wanted to keep the baby, and thought you were able to handle it. But the best thing that could had ever happen to you was have a miscarriage and lose the baby. You were not ready to be a mother even though you thought you were ready and able to handle it. When you and he lived together for a while that is when things got worse emotionally and mentally and that is when he started physically abusing you as well. You were blinded by the 'love' you had for him. You did not think there was anything wrong going on. Until this one time he beat you with a broom, punched you, kicked you and pulled your hair. When he started beating you with a broom it broke and cut you on your left thumb. You were so scared for yourself and your dogs, you screamed with all you had, the neighbors' called the police. When they got there you were so traumatized, you weren't able to talk nor answer any of the questions the police were asking. You were taken to jail because he abused you. You were full of bruises, full of blood, battered and beaten by this person. You shut sown in every single way. You did not know what had happened, everything felt like a nightmare. Mom helped you get a restraining order against him, which helped in some sort of way, but not fully. You were still scared and traumatized by the whole thing, you did not talk for days or even weeks. You did not even want to go out anywhere at all. 

    Everything will be okay, you will get through it, and your therapist will help you through it as well. He will understand your problems, and assure you that everything will be okay, and that you were never at fault, and that it was never your fault. He will help you and guide you through everything and let you know it was never your fault. Shit happened yes but is what made you stronger than you thought you would be. Now you are stronger than ever and could help someone that may be in the same situation. 

    Just know that everything will be okay, YOU WILL BE OKAY!! It is what made you stronger, and more aware of everything. Helped you see peoples 'true colors' and not be trustworthy of just anyone. It helps you know who you can truly trust and who you cannot trust and be aware of your surroundings and of people. Yes, you may not have enough friends and just keep to yourself but that'll be because you are doing your best to understand yourself more and keep yourself safe. Just know that you will be okay and that everything will be okay. Remember that everything is what made you stronger than you ever thought you were or will be. 

    Remember that you are more than your fears.

                            With Love,

                                        Venuz <3

Day 1: Introduction

    Hello Everyone! I hope you are doing well today. Me? I am doing well so far, just tired. Other than that…Let me introduce myself.

    My name is Venuz, I am 33 years old. I struggle with mental health like many of you out there, I also am a Type One Diabetic, I was diagnosed when I was just 5 turning 6 years old. I do not remember much about my diagnosis, majority of it I do. I have a rescue fur baby his name is Toby, and I love that dog very much so! Hes the love of my life! I am attending school as well, yes its tough attending school and work fulltime, but I am dong what I can to make it. 

    I love music, horror and comedy movies, I love going to concerts whenever I get the chance to. I love reading, as well as writing, I do not go out very much, other than taking Toby my dog for his daily walks, which I do enjoy just as much as he does. Majority of the time I rather just stay in and stay in bed other than walking the dog. I like attending to my therapist appointments, my therapist now I feel comfortable and happy with him, as it took me a while to find one I felt comfortable with. 

    I love riding my bicycle and taking Toby with me whenever I go out for a bicycle ride, as it makes me feel free. Riding my bicycle makes me happy as it helps me clear my mind just as much as walking does. If I had a car I would go out on drives as it also is calming in some type of way just as much as riding a bicycle.

    Everyday I try to take it slow, and remind myself to love myself a little bit more, and remind myself that I am worthy, and more than just enough. I try to take things slow, and do what I can to romanticize my life and see the beauty in everything. I do what I can do see the positive in every negative, and uplift someone that may be having a bad day, just as much as I do for myself. Everyday I remind myself that everything will be okay, as well as not stress myself for the things I cannot change, and the things I am able to change turn them in to the best thing. Some days can be rough but what I like to do when such days happen is to stay in with the dog, and do some self care, such as getting in the tub, put on a face mask, put Netflix/Amazon Video a podcast or a YouTube video on the background and relax. Journal to get my mind clear before taking a nap after getting in the hot tub. Also read a book, paint my nails and talk to my dog, helps me relax if I do stay at home and not do anything else. Reminding myself that it was just one ugly day, and that I can always turn it around and make it the best day ever, even if I stay in for the day/night. Pampering myself/selfcare days are always a good thing, specially if you just want to say in for the day/night and just stay in bed and do nothing else. It’s what I do.

            

             

Hello Everyone!…Let’s talk some over coffee

     Hey everyone! Feels like it has been a while since we had a conversation and shared what has been going on with life. Lately with me though it has been good not so many complaints so much. I just wanted to check in with you all and see what you wanted to share and talk about with me and/or each other. I wanted to make this a safe place for everyone to share their stories, anecdotes and such. Or even just to say how your day has been and such. Doesn’t have to be something, or if there’s something big and special happening with you, I will be very happy to read or hear about it. If you are having a rough day, week or whatever is going on why not talk about it as well. Im all eyes and ears. We all need that one safe person we could share something with. I just wanted to share that with you, reason being is because though I was raised by a single parent which I give all props to her my mom, there were times when I wished I had that one person other than my mom to share things with without any judgment just a listening ear. Though there was my younger sister, she was busy with her own life, friends and boyfriend. At the time yes I wished she and I had a better relationship. Even then at times I wish I had that person to talk things with.

    I love my mom, that lady did so much for my sister and I being a single parent, I do not know how the hell she did it. Specially with a such child like my self, a Type One (1) Diabetic. I give her props for all that she did for me and my sister. At times I beat my self and majority of the time Im often hard on my self as well. First off because I was a disgusting piece of s**t. I was too rebellious and often times did wrong. I didn’t want to listen to no one specially my mom at the time. How I treated my mom when I was a teenager was just wrong. At times I wished I could go back in time and change everything I did wrong and make it right. In a way I understand why I did it yet it was not an excuse for me to do such things. I was in an abusive relationship with a guy I was dating from high school. He forced me to stop talking to my mom and my sister. I couldn’t talk to my family, friends, I could not even go to school because of him. I was being mentally, physically, and emotionally abused by this person. It was horrendous. My mom and my sister and some friends did not know how to help me. Hell!! I didn’t even know how to help my self! At the time I felt I was “in love” with him but the truth was I was blinded, and did not want to see the truth from what was really going on. Now as a 32 year old woman thinking back on it all, I realize how stupid and blinded I was by this man. How bad he treated me, I can’t even say his name because, or even date another person with the same name. I remember I say this person once in a casino downtown, I was going in to the restroom, I saw him sitting by one of the slot machines and I started having an anxiety attack, I did tell the person I was dating then about it. He stood by the restroom waiting for me until I was. He covered me so my abuser didn’t see me. I appreciated that so much, before I even told my boyfriend then anything or him even seeing him he knew, by the way I was acting Which in a way that was really nice of him that he protected me from my past abuser. 

    But anyway, all I can do now not that I can repair or make my family forget what I did in the past. All I can try and do is mend it, and prove them that I am not the person I was then. That I have changed, doing better and not with the same antics I was doing then. I am happy now as a single person mm of a fur baby that makes happy everyday! That little dog Mr. Toby my bundle of love wrapped in fur is what keeps me happy, knowing that I have to feed a month is the best thing that has ever happened to me, after my shish-tzu died a few years ago. Toby is a rescue dog, Im not sure how old he is, yet all I can do right now is give him the best life and moments and perhaps memories that I can before he goes over the rainbow hopefully in my arms.

    Often times when me and my mom hangout and we go shopping and thrifting I love it. I love it when me and my mom get to hang out. Of course love talking to her! I feel like the relationship between her and I has had been getting slightly better in a way. For one she and I do not live under the same roof which in a way makes it better because we miss it being together that when she and I get to see each other it makes it better, and we have more things to talk about and share with each other which is great! What I need to now do is try and fix the relationship between me and my sister, which is not going to be easy but I know it can happen. Perhaps I can invite her for coffee or shopping brunch perhaps. And catch up with one another. That shall be one of my next goals to do, I miss her and the good relationship she and I had when we where younger. We shall see when I can happen. For now is all I wanted to share with you guys. 

It’s time to go for me, I hope you guys are having a wonderful day or night wherever you are in the world!

With love,

            Venuz