Hello there young me, I know times are rough, though. I know you think things are not going to get better, perhaps nothing is going to change, and it all feels like a nightmare. I know you do not trust anyone at the moment in any sort of way. You are trying your hardest to be someone or something and trying to fit in somewhere, your peers and trying for mom's approval, yet all she does is destroy your views and tells you that you're nothing, and probably will ever be nothing. Mom does not show you the love that you crave neither does she tell you that she is proud of you in any way, nor does she show it. But trust me everything will be okay. Perhaps there will be many times you will be trying may therapists and maybe some of them do not fit or you feel comfortable with them or feel that you can trust them, and you may feel like you are being judged by them. But trust me you will find the right therapist that you feel comfortable with and trust, and you'll be able to tell him everything or almost everything. He will help you in may ways than you think.
When you got sexually assaulted/raped at age 26 it was one of the most traumatic things that could have had happened to you. You did not know how you would overcome it, and thought it was all your fault, which it was not your fault in any sort of way at all. Mom believed you when the rape happened, she helped you with some of the nightmares and told you that you were going to be okay. Your therapist will help you overcome that day by day. The more you talk about it with him and perhaps other people it will help you realize it was never your fault. Same when you got sexually abused when you were just six years old. Your mom believed you and took you away from that predator and helped get him in prison for the rest of his life. Your grandma thought it was all your fault that this predator did such horrific things, how dare she say you a six-year-old was at fault for such horrific shit. What a piece of shit of a person to say her granddaughter a six-year-old was at fault for this disgusting predator to do such thing. But you will be okay, it is not going to define you or who you are.
When you, mom and sister moved to Las Vegas it felt okay to get away from all the wrong things going on with mom in Texas.
When you were I think a sophomore or Junior in high school you got a boyfriend and you 'loved him' he gave you the sun and the moon. He was your first love. You thought you 'loved' him. It all felt so right at the time, but you never thought he would do what he did. Low key he started abusing you mentally and emotionally, he got you pregnant at 18 and never did anything about it, thought you had cheated on him. Always blamed you were cheating when in reality he was the one cheating on you but blaming it all on you. The time he got your pregnant you wanted to keep the baby, and thought you were able to handle it. But the best thing that could had ever happen to you was have a miscarriage and lose the baby. You were not ready to be a mother even though you thought you were ready and able to handle it. When you and he lived together for a while that is when things got worse emotionally and mentally and that is when he started physically abusing you as well. You were blinded by the 'love' you had for him. You did not think there was anything wrong going on. Until this one time he beat you with a broom, punched you, kicked you and pulled your hair. When he started beating you with a broom it broke and cut you on your left thumb. You were so scared for yourself and your dogs, you screamed with all you had, the neighbors' called the police. When they got there you were so traumatized, you weren't able to talk nor answer any of the questions the police were asking. You were taken to jail because he abused you. You were full of bruises, full of blood, battered and beaten by this person. You shut sown in every single way. You did not know what had happened, everything felt like a nightmare. Mom helped you get a restraining order against him, which helped in some sort of way, but not fully. You were still scared and traumatized by the whole thing, you did not talk for days or even weeks. You did not even want to go out anywhere at all.
Everything will be okay, you will get through it, and your therapist will help you through it as well. He will understand your problems, and assure you that everything will be okay, and that you were never at fault, and that it was never your fault. He will help you and guide you through everything and let you know it was never your fault. Shit happened yes but is what made you stronger than you thought you would be. Now you are stronger than ever and could help someone that may be in the same situation.
Just know that everything will be okay, YOU WILL BE OKAY!! It is what made you stronger, and more aware of everything. Helped you see peoples 'true colors' and not be trustworthy of just anyone. It helps you know who you can truly trust and who you cannot trust and be aware of your surroundings and of people. Yes, you may not have enough friends and just keep to yourself but that'll be because you are doing your best to understand yourself more and keep yourself safe. Just know that you will be okay and that everything will be okay. Remember that everything is what made you stronger than you ever thought you were or will be.
Remember that you are more than your fears.
With Love,
Venuz <3
