Hello Everyone! I have more life updates, unsure about what to do regarding such....

     So, I have talked to guys about me working at Dunking and such, which I do not hate/dislike working there. One thing though that I really do not like about it is that I do not get paid enough to pay bills, which I am too behind on. Not enough for groceries or even buy the dog food let alone take him to the vet to get medication for his heart murmur. It has come to that point that I have been looking for another job because I cannot afford life at this point. Everything is going up in price, again! At one point I was able to stretch my check and perhaps have some left over to take me and the dog out on a date or something and have something in my savings account, but all of that disappeared. UberEATS deliveries do not pay enough to make a livable wage from to afford bills in any way let alone buy water. I have been feeling too stressed and overwhelmed and my anxiety is through the roof it has been making me feel nauseous to the point it makes me vomit and will not let me keep anything down other than water of course. As well as it feels like I cannot rest well enough or sleep well enough to give my full best at work because of thinking of ways to make money ASAP and submitting applications like stupid everywhere and anywhere. Even though I always told myself I would never have two jobs. I do not want to be like everyone else and such but look at me now!! Looking for another damn fucking job just to be able to afford bills, rent, medications, take the dog to the vet and everything that comes about being a damn adult! A big damn pile of shit and bills to pay that you can never escape! Why did any one of us want to be adults....

    Talking about a second job, I had an interview for one of the major casino companies in Las Vegas and I got offered the job and got hired. The background check to come back took less than a week, and now I have to go do the processing of the paperwork at the corporate office. So long story short everything from filling out and submitting the application & interview to the background to now going to submit paperwork at the corporate office, took less than two weeks. I honestly thought it was going to take longer than it did for everything to come about and all. Now after I do the processing I will perhaps have to wait until I get told when I will start and get training out of the way before or after my first day and when I will be starting and how I will be able to get my schedule and such. As I had mentioned before, I always told myself, 'I will never get a second job that's stupid why do people do that, it is dumb' Now look at me about to start a damn second job, thing I never wanted to do, shit happens I guess, but this having two jobs will be temporary. I am not planning to have two jobs forever, it will just be for the mean time I get caught up on my bills and somewhat financially stable maybe to the point I only need just one job that pays well, enough and maybe just maybe!! A side gig thing to earn extra cash if possible, but that is it. I just want to get caught up on my bills and feel stable somehow financially to the point I just need one stable job that will pay me well, that I know I will feel comfortable and happy with and maybe see myself for the next few years or something. 

    This will be it for now, I will talk to you guys next time! Take care and stay beautiful!!

                                    With Love, 

                                                Venuz <3

Day 1: Introduction

    Hello Everyone! I hope you are doing well today. Me? I am doing well so far, just tired. Other than that…Let me introduce myself.

    My name is Venuz, I am 33 years old. I struggle with mental health like many of you out there, I also am a Type One Diabetic, I was diagnosed when I was just 5 turning 6 years old. I do not remember much about my diagnosis, majority of it I do. I have a rescue fur baby his name is Toby, and I love that dog very much so! Hes the love of my life! I am attending school as well, yes its tough attending school and work fulltime, but I am dong what I can to make it. 

    I love music, horror and comedy movies, I love going to concerts whenever I get the chance to. I love reading, as well as writing, I do not go out very much, other than taking Toby my dog for his daily walks, which I do enjoy just as much as he does. Majority of the time I rather just stay in and stay in bed other than walking the dog. I like attending to my therapist appointments, my therapist now I feel comfortable and happy with him, as it took me a while to find one I felt comfortable with. 

    I love riding my bicycle and taking Toby with me whenever I go out for a bicycle ride, as it makes me feel free. Riding my bicycle makes me happy as it helps me clear my mind just as much as walking does. If I had a car I would go out on drives as it also is calming in some type of way just as much as riding a bicycle.

    Everyday I try to take it slow, and remind myself to love myself a little bit more, and remind myself that I am worthy, and more than just enough. I try to take things slow, and do what I can to romanticize my life and see the beauty in everything. I do what I can do see the positive in every negative, and uplift someone that may be having a bad day, just as much as I do for myself. Everyday I remind myself that everything will be okay, as well as not stress myself for the things I cannot change, and the things I am able to change turn them in to the best thing. Some days can be rough but what I like to do when such days happen is to stay in with the dog, and do some self care, such as getting in the tub, put on a face mask, put Netflix/Amazon Video a podcast or a YouTube video on the background and relax. Journal to get my mind clear before taking a nap after getting in the hot tub. Also read a book, paint my nails and talk to my dog, helps me relax if I do stay at home and not do anything else. Reminding myself that it was just one ugly day, and that I can always turn it around and make it the best day ever, even if I stay in for the day/night. Pampering myself/selfcare days are always a good thing, specially if you just want to say in for the day/night and just stay in bed and do nothing else. It’s what I do.

            

             

To fly or not to fly…

    Hey everyone! I. Hope everyone is doing well, were ever you are in the world. 

    Almost daily I think how my life could be if I ever made the bold move to pack my things and leaving this town behind and moving elsewhere and start fresh. Just packing my things such as clothes and other nesecities and just go, and leave everything behind without telling anyone. Not because I am running away from everything or trying to hide from anything or anyone at all. But because maybe I want to feel something exciting and experience something new. Somewhere where no one knows me at all, start fresh.

    Maybe it sounds crazy to someone, but not me. I don’t feel as calm or happy as I want to here in this town where I live. It all feels so wrong, okay in some way, yet wrong. As if I do not belong in any way possible. I feel judged, most of the time, and everything I do it seems wrong to everyone else. It feels like I do not belong. Nothing really seems to feel right to me.

       

    I do my best to romanticize my life the best I can, and self-care when I have the change to. I do the the best I can to bring in more positive in my life and remind my self that my life is just as beautiful as I am. But perhaps I live in a world full of negatives. I try to distance myself from the negative and add more positive. Perhaps it may be why I just want to go to a place where I may feel different and not so much all the negative. A beautiful and calm place where I truly can be my self, and not feel judged in any way. I may do that sooner than later, somewhere I know I will feel the way I want…

            

Hey, whats going on *life update*

    For the past few days I have been thinking and perhaps, I should gather up my thing and move else where. Yes maybe it sounds weird, or as if I am trying to run away from something or my problems. But no I am not trying to runaway from anything or my problems at all. But in my mind I think starting fresh somewhere new would in part make me feel as free as any, and not feel as pressured as I do now. As work and the people I am around it makes me feel as if I am not doing the best. It all makes me feel as if I am being pressured down. It all feels as if I’m not my self anymore. It feels as if Im killing my self to live, in a job I do not enjoy anymore, where did it all go wrong. Where did it go from me willing to come in to work and enjoy my job to fuck this shit, I dont want to come in to work I hate this and the job sucks, and I hate the people I work with.

    At first when I started the job I did enjoy it. It was looking forward to work, but all just changed and now work just seems to not be so enjoyable anymore. People wanting to fire everyone else including their “close friends” from work. Everything just seems to not be enjoyable anymore, at work at least. 

    I do not enjoy comming to work anymore, but I have to as bills wont pay them selves. Everyday people make it seem as if I’m the worse person around, it feels as if I am being forced to be someone I am not, feels as if I am forced to be someone else and not my self.

Good Evening People!

    How's everyone doing toning?! I am well enough, I just don't know whether I am tired, exhausted, or just not there anymore. Though today, I spent the day doing nothing, other than taking Toby out for his walks, and washing clothes and somewhat cleaning my apartment. But other than that, I did nothing at all, I just watched YouTube, and Netflix. As well as wondering if I actually want a work from home job or keep the one that I have. Though as I've told the people I work with, that a work from home job, sounds a bit too enticing. As I can spend more time with Toby my fur baby child! As well as a bit more free time I feel like to do what I need to do such as schoolwork, and more time to care for my self, not that I do not have the time to, wich I do. But working the night shift, I feel too exhausted. I do not feel like a normal person at all. I am not saying I dislike my job, because I don't, what I dislike is that I feel like I dont have a darn life whatsoever in anyway at all. Its not like I have one anyway, but I would like to feel like an actual human being with a "normal" life working normal hours, during the day. Which I don't have having to work the night shift, which I dislike. I've applied for almost any that is during the day, but apparently, I am too overqualified for their position, or they just do not want me at all. But whatever the case is, I won't stop applying for a different type of job where I can feel normal.

    Another thing though too, as an adult I've felt like "running away" more of then I did when I was a teenager. No, I'm not running away from anything, nor do I have any problems with anyone or anywhere at all. But in the senesce that I would love to start a new life somewhere else, a fresh new start where no one knows me. Just a damn new fresh start from scratch. Maybe I'm just trying to find myself my own happiness anywhere else that's not here, not where I am currently living. I am happy with my self, just not the city or state where I currently reside at all. It somehow feels wrong in many ways, I just don't know how to go about getting away from here. I for one don't have a car, but its not like I need one anyway, secondly, I don't have the money to just buy a ticket and just go. If I did though, I'd probably be gone by now with no words to anyone. I would probably if I feel crazy enough to do so, I would do it. Just packing my things and being gone. Probably Texas, or Oklahoma, probably Massachusetts or maybe Maine. Who knows. When that time comes for me to do that crazy thing, I will let you guys know where I'm headed.