Hello....

   Been a while I have on here. Been busy though but today though Id like to share something if possible.

   For the past few days, weeks if so I have been feeling not okay. I have been feeling sadness. Wanting to cry, when those days come some I cant seem to let a tear out. Just feeling of numbness is all I feel, toughts raicing trough my mind. That I cannot seem to shake off, thoghts that Id loven to do not to anyone else but to my self but I dont do so because I do not want to hurt my loved ones. Remembering when I got molested when I was about 5 yrs old and raped sometime last year make those thoughts worse. Most days all I can feel is numbness, others all I want to do is scream and throw things around, hurt my self and other such things but I dont do so because I do not want to give my loved ones a heartache. It is so hard for me at least having to deal with such thing, yes to some people may say 'oh get over it is not so diffiult. Get over it.' No one relly knows how it feels unless is hppened to them. Yes one might have happenes years back and the other one just last year, but for me is as if it just happened yesterday. I have nightmares ofthis every so often it is hard to go back to bed because of the fear what if it happens again, and the nightmares. Sometimes I wish it had never happened to me.....
    Another is having to deal with diabetes, this chronic illness is not some5hingnto play with. Having to deal with ignorant people thinking they know more than you, its stupid. Makes you angry wnting to punch them rigth across the face. Other days you just want to throw it all away, be done with diabetes and not deal with it at all. Pretending you aint got no chronic illness at all. There is days Id love to not prick fingers, inject insulin, count carbs or wach what I eat having the fear itll go to low or to high. What if I do not live nother day. I am sick of having to fight to live nother day. I am sick of suffering like this. I am sick and tiered of it all.
    Having to deal with a chronic illness and feeling numb everyday having all thise nightmares, having to cry/wanting to cry, other days that I wanna cry but no tears, feeling numb most days. Pretending I feel okay when I dont. Pretting Im happy when Im not. People not understanding what goes on my head when I dont even understand it my self what goes on up there. Is difficult forsing my self to smile. It is starting to get harder and harder everyday.....