One thing I've wondered what my life would be like if I when I was younger, I was not such a piece of shit, when I was younger. If I could talk to my younger teen age self, I would tell her, I would tell her don't be so stupid, and listen to your mom. Do not be such a shit to her, she's doing all she can to give you and your sister all she can and give you a good life. You need to remember she's doing it all on her own, with no one by her side but you and your sister. I hoped you would have listened to her when she told you not to date or be with that piece of shit Edgar. She knew he was no good news, but you did not listen to her in any way. Yes, I know you thought you knew everything and thought you had the world by your hands and thought you knew everything as well. But you didn't, you knew nothing about the world at 18 and you still don't know anything now at 33 years old. Yes you are wiser now for the many things that have had happened and all the ugly things you ever did that never brought you good to you. The people you hung out with as a teenager were no good people, and you did not want to listen.
I wish you had never hurt mom the way you did, and your sister. You have a great family even if is/was just mom and sister. But they are your family, why did you have to hurt them the way you did. You were the monster. they were afraid of you, but you did not care. They told you but you did not care, you hurt them in many ways than you think you did. Why did you hurt them the way you did, what were you thinking. How did it feel to beat your mother, as if she was a rag doll or worse. How did it feel to do the stupid shit that you did in front of your sister, what were you thinking. You were the monster they were trying to run away from, iincluding your self, but all aling it was all you. You had a good relationship with mom and your sister, why did you have to screw it up. Why did you never acceptet the help you were offered by your mom and sister. Did you really think you were better than them? Did you really think you were the greatest shit ever?? You know I am happy that you were kicked out of the house, the way you did, becayse you know, it tought you that you were not the person you thiught you were. Mom did not owe you anything, and you did not deserve anything at all. I wish had not gone though what I did with Edgar in so many ways.
If I had done good in college when I graduated high school, let alone if I had done good in high school, I would have had a great life now. I would have not been struggling the way I am at now. But I am grateful in a way things happened the way they did because it thought. me many things, as I am wiser now than I was then.
I wish I had never screwed up my relationship with my mom and my sister in any way. I just wish I could take it all back all the things I did to them. I wish I could go back and undo it all, undo everything I did to them, all the hurt and pain I put them through, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could had put all the anger and pain I felt into my studies and school to be the person I wanted to be, not the monster I became, the one who inflicted pain on my family. I would love to go back to change everything for the better. I did not know how to open up or talk about what I felt. In part I felt angry because of Diabetes. I was diagnosed when I was six years old. I was not taking care of myself during my teen years. I felt pressure in some way to look a certain way, or to pretend I was not sick or any of that sort of thing. When I was making myself sick in some way. I didn't want to be or feel like a diabetic, in part. I did not want anyone to know I was sick, a diabetic. I did not think there was such diabetic support groups that I knew of when I was a teenager to help me I, or anyone to talk to about how I felt. I wished I trusted the therapist my mom was taking me to, to help me navigate through how I felt at the time, my feelings, just the whole everything. I wish I could talk to my younger self and tell her that if she only had listened and had put all her negative energy in to being a better person and her studies, she would had been the greatest Forensic Psychologist by now. I just want to tell her that everything will be okay, yes that she'll go through some shit but that she'll be wiser and learn that its not all about the world owing her anything at all, but being a better person for your own good, not caring what anyone says. Just know that you are doing just swell on your own, and you will be in a better place mentally. Just know that you will meet people who are willing to help you be a better person, a better you.
Yes, I went through some things when I was younger, such as when I got sexually abused when I was sexually abused when I was about 3-5 years old. Witnessing my stepdad do some shit to my mom and me not knowing how to help, or what to do. Then getting diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes at age six in 1996. Being told that I could not eat any candy or soda or any darn cake, but why? I was just a dang kid! For the life of me I wanted some damn cake, soda and candy! But I understand that my mom being a single parent she was trying to do what she could to care for me at that age since I am the only one in my family that has diabetes. Then the bullying comes as soon as I started middle school, I did not know why kids disliked me so much then. The bullying became so bad it came to my P.E. coach sending me to the office/nurse/library for the whole period, as a PE credit. Only because of the bullies, would not hurt me or call me names. I mean don't mind me I loved it. It was like a job. When we moved to Las Vegas, high school teens where just disgusting pieces of sh*t. Starting around 2006ish is when I met Edgar. The one who would turb my life for the worse and bring the worse out me. That is when it all came to sh*t in my life. I thought I was in 'love'. My mom kept on warning me about him, but I did not want to listen to her in anyway. He got me pregnant when I was 18 years old, I as the dumb teen that I still was wanted to keep the baby, yet I am glad at that time, I had a miscarriage. Yes, it may sound wrong for me to say that for some people, but I am glad I did though, because my life would have been not on the right track or just not overall great at this point in life where I am at the moment. Yes, at that age, I cried and went into some type of depression, that it happened. Yes, I had two abortions before, no it does not feel pretty in any type of way, but I am glad those times I was able to have the option to have them, and not have kids during those times. The second time I became pregnant I was about 19-20 and that was the first time I had an abortion; my body did not take it so well. I vomited, my body was not able to keep anything in, that was including the medication I was given, the antibiotics and other things for my body to heal up and help it close the wounds. I honestly do not regret the abortions in any type of way. I am with the abortion program all the way through, mostly in the cases of rape, and medical conditions in the sense that the person is unable to carry the baby or being in danger being pregnant and such. Moving on though. Yes, I do regret so many things that I did when I was younger, as a teen, putting my mom trough what I put her through, and how much I hurt her. and my sister. I deeply regret hurting them in such ways, that I do not have a great relationship with them, the way I would love to. But I am glad I did go through all the shit I did, because it straighten me up and made the person that I am today.
What I do want to tell my younger self that even though she did fucked up in so many ways, she'll turn out to be a strong person, and know that not everything is her way. That she needs to work for what she wants. Not everything is as easy as you think. If you want something you need to work for it. You will do okay kid, I promise everything will be okay, just work hard, and I promise you it will easier to work for what you want than steal and ending up in prison, which you won't but trust me working and being tired is a whole lot more rewarding, than prison or jail.
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