Hello Again Friends…

   I have been giving it so much thought lately about moving to perhaps somewhere else away from Las Vegas (Sin City). I feel it on my soul and bones that it may just be what I need to do for my own good. The craziness around, how rude and mean people are, has been lately what has been making me feel unwell, mentally, physically and emotionally. People now do not seen to know basic manners anymore, at least here in Las Vegas. 

    Lately I have not been feeling happy or remotely happy anymore, my energy levels feel drained the moment I wake in up to when I go to bed just to do it all over again the next day. Nothing really brings me joy in this town, the only way I feel most myself is when I am home with my dog. I have had been thinking as I mentioned before to move else where away from this town, and away from the people. As it all makes me feel drained, unwell, and upset, about what?? I am unsure, this community and this town just seem to want one thing and they can all agree with one thing, and that is money, who can look better than the next person, and who has more than the next. Who has the best body, the best big boobs and the best big butt, all thanks to plastic surgery and Botox. And for what?? Just to look the same as the next person or worse?? These are few of the reasons why I would like to move away from this town,

    A fairytale life just seems more enticing than the real world now, romanticizing my life seems much much better than becoming just like everyone else. 

                                                    With Love,

                                                                Venuz <3

 

I dream of a lovely dream…

    I have been dreaming of a dream a lovely one that is for sure. As if I have lived that life before, a very beautiful one. I would love to live that beautiful life of a dream I dream about often in real life, experience and enjoy every single moment of it. As well as share those beautiful moments with the perfect person for me and fury friends. As I try to enjoy this beautiful life in the present day, with the people closest to and love. 

   I want the life I dream about, I want to live it I want to have it. Just as beautiful if not better than what I dream about, as this lovely beautiful life I dream of makes me be a better version of myself everyday. A beautiful life is what I want a slow and peaceful beautiful life. One where I live as if I were in a fairytale. Life is sweet to me, I just feel as if I could live a calm lovely life in a much better place than I could at the moment. One where I don’t feel pressured about anything or stress in any solder of way. 

               With Love, 

                          Venuz <3

Hello again friends!

  I hope everyone has been doing well these past weeks or days. I have been busy in sone type of way with work, and helping my mom as much as I can with caring for my nephew once a week, as well as making sure I get some merchandise done for my Etsy store that I will be opening soon. I am unsure if I ever mentioned that to you guys. I want to get some merch done as I mentioned so I can start setting it up and start selling the hand made accessories that I am working on with my moms help of course. 

   New job at the casino has been great! I am liking it so far. I have no complaints about nothing, I like the people I work with and management as well. They all are so good to me and the people I work with, it makes me want to come to work everyday. I am not dragging about coming to work, I actually wake up ready for a new day at work and what the day will bring me. 

   My mental health has not been the greatest the last few weeks. There has been a day here nad there when I feel the greatest, like I can take on the world. But more often than not, I have not been feeling the bestest. All I want to do is sleep or just be in bed, do nothing and think bout nothing. Most days it feels that I do not have the energy for noting at all, just nothing. When I am at work it feels as if I have a mask hiding everything that is wrong, every feeling that I have and every thought that crosses my mind. Most days all I want to do is disappear and not look back and start new somewhere else. All I want is jus a new life with new people new life experiences, just to start brand new. I have been putting so much thought in to that, that is what I want to do, in the super of the moment. Not tell anyone where I am or where I will be going, but of course I will be taking the dog with me, I cannot leave him behind. 

   Sooner than later I will be doing that, unsure where to or how, but will most probably will do that. But of course I will be doing research to where I would like to move to. Perhaps Salem, Massachussets? Or Connecticut, or even better New England, somewhere where it is beachy or most likely forest like. Just away from the big city and loud everything 24/7. 

Big life changes....

     So far, I have made some drastic changes to my life someway. For starters, I just recently had a small 'surgery' thing, from when I was in that car accident last year when I got hit by a shuttle bus, on my way to work on my bicycle last year. I went in to get some pain injections for my lower back. This was just a few days ago. I feel okay, just with some mild pain and discomfort on my lower back still. 

    Also, about a week or so ago, I left my apartment, and moved in with my mom temporarily. Just to save enough money to pay for breaking the lease and look for somewhere else to live. A better and bigger place, either an apartment or a house. Hopefully a house, but of course a house has to be one that I like just like everyone else that buys a house, right? Another thing as well that I was almost forgetting, is that I will soon be starting the job at the casino. I am excited for that though! Something different from my normal, in some way. So far this week or two that I have been with my mom I have felt good in some way. Don't give me wrong, I loved living on my own I do. Yet making a decision on moving in with my mom in a spare of a moment was one good thing that I think was good. It will not only help me save some money but as well help my mom in some way as well. As she has had some health problems as well and can barely keep up with the house on her own and all the dogs. So, I guess is a win, win in both situations, for me and for her in some way. I hope it all turns out for the good and that the relationship between her and I gets better instead for the worse. 

    I in some way like that I live far from everything, far from the center of the city, yes, I had many things close by to me that were walking distance from me. It was all nice, but at the same time it was not okay, homelessness was getting worse. I started to feel unsafe to even walk to the store around the corner from where I lived. I was getting harassed all the time and cat called. There were even a few times when people tried selling me drugs or sleep with me and what not, thinking I was 'a lady of the night' which if you are there is nothing wrong with that at all. I just do not do that nor will I go that route just for some quick fast money. I respect women who do that, mad respect for you that you have the guts to do so. But anyway, I always mostly kept to myself and barely came out of my apartment for anything unless it was for work, to walk Toby, Dr. Appointments, or grocery shopping. Rarely did I go out to have fun but if I did it was because I had planned it months in advanced or because a friend invited me out. I always stayed inside my apartment; I was antisocial homebody then, and I probably will be a homebody still, just coming out to the patio with the dogs, to enjoy the day, drink some coffee and talk to you guys, maybe even do some videos for YouTube along the way.

    I just recently started my Etsy shop as well, to sell hand made things and such with the help of my mom. As well as set up more things on my Depop shop as well as I have not had the chance to post anything for sale on my Depop, I have many things I have set on the side to sell on my Depop, I hope you all like them, as well as I will be working on some handmade headbands, handbags and such, all hand made. I was also thinking of making some handmade soaps, body scrubs and such. But I am unsure if any of you would be willing to buy any of that. As well as homemade/handmade doggy snacks and such. I am thinking of different ideas that I can make to sell all handmade and such. Let me know what you think, and what are the most looked for things handmade wise that people buy or that you would buy, for yourself and/or pet wise. I am open to ideas for my Etsy store.

                                            With Love,

                                                         Venuz <3

Hello Everyone! I have more life updates, unsure about what to do regarding such....

     So, I have talked to guys about me working at Dunking and such, which I do not hate/dislike working there. One thing though that I really do not like about it is that I do not get paid enough to pay bills, which I am too behind on. Not enough for groceries or even buy the dog food let alone take him to the vet to get medication for his heart murmur. It has come to that point that I have been looking for another job because I cannot afford life at this point. Everything is going up in price, again! At one point I was able to stretch my check and perhaps have some left over to take me and the dog out on a date or something and have something in my savings account, but all of that disappeared. UberEATS deliveries do not pay enough to make a livable wage from to afford bills in any way let alone buy water. I have been feeling too stressed and overwhelmed and my anxiety is through the roof it has been making me feel nauseous to the point it makes me vomit and will not let me keep anything down other than water of course. As well as it feels like I cannot rest well enough or sleep well enough to give my full best at work because of thinking of ways to make money ASAP and submitting applications like stupid everywhere and anywhere. Even though I always told myself I would never have two jobs. I do not want to be like everyone else and such but look at me now!! Looking for another damn fucking job just to be able to afford bills, rent, medications, take the dog to the vet and everything that comes about being a damn adult! A big damn pile of shit and bills to pay that you can never escape! Why did any one of us want to be adults....

    Talking about a second job, I had an interview for one of the major casino companies in Las Vegas and I got offered the job and got hired. The background check to come back took less than a week, and now I have to go do the processing of the paperwork at the corporate office. So long story short everything from filling out and submitting the application & interview to the background to now going to submit paperwork at the corporate office, took less than two weeks. I honestly thought it was going to take longer than it did for everything to come about and all. Now after I do the processing I will perhaps have to wait until I get told when I will start and get training out of the way before or after my first day and when I will be starting and how I will be able to get my schedule and such. As I had mentioned before, I always told myself, 'I will never get a second job that's stupid why do people do that, it is dumb' Now look at me about to start a damn second job, thing I never wanted to do, shit happens I guess, but this having two jobs will be temporary. I am not planning to have two jobs forever, it will just be for the mean time I get caught up on my bills and somewhat financially stable maybe to the point I only need just one job that pays well, enough and maybe just maybe!! A side gig thing to earn extra cash if possible, but that is it. I just want to get caught up on my bills and feel stable somehow financially to the point I just need one stable job that will pay me well, that I know I will feel comfortable and happy with and maybe see myself for the next few years or something. 

    This will be it for now, I will talk to you guys next time! Take care and stay beautiful!!

                                    With Love, 

                                                Venuz <3

Hello everyone!! I have some weekly updates…

    So on Tuesday I had an interview for one of the major casino companies on the Las Vegas BLVD. I have belief that the interview went really well in fact that I got the choice to work the MGM Grand or Excalibur. Because in the interviewers words ‘I am full at this location the New York New York. I have openings at either of those locations, which one would you prefer.’ As he as well mentioned that he was going to hire me/offer me the job. Just that I needed to fill the application for the casino I got the job offer for. I am not going to say I got extremely happy to throw a party afterwards, but it did made me happy, that I got offered the job right away. I guess I must of said the right thing or that the interviewer liked me as a person or something. Though the job will be part-time/on-call, with possible full-time hours. Which some how that does not bother me because I will still be scheduled to work at least 3-4 days a week and on call the rest of the week, as they need. 

   Now, I don’t know how I will work out the insurance thing that I need. As I need that for my medications, such as insulin, insulin pump & cgm supplies and antidepressants & anxiety medication. I just hope that me working in the casino get offered medical benefits. Or I will have to pay for my own insurance, which will be expensive as heck, but still need it either way. I just hope I find a cheaper insurance with copayments that aren’t too expensive. But knowing how stinking expensive Las Vegas has become, I doubt I will find an affordable insurance but I have my hopes up in that regard I hopefully will find an affordable insurance.

   2:00pm-Update: Today while I was at work my current job, I received an email with the link to fill out the application for the casino and such. About an hour or so later after filling the application I received an email with the letter of acceptance and start the background check. So does this mean that I actually got the job?? If so, then I’m damn sure happy about it that I got the job, but then again I shouldn’t be as surprised as I feel, because the interviewer person did mention that they were going to offer me the job & hire me. They gave me the option on what property I wanted to work at, and what there was chance of becoming full-time sooner than later. It’ll be just a waiting game in regards of the background check thing. I don’t think it should or would taken that long, as I have had worked for the company before. Never got in big trouble with them nor did I get fired…so it shouldn’t take that long to come back clear I hope. 

   But anyway guys!! That is it for today, I will let you know what happened in the next week or so. I will update you and keep you posted on whatever happens or comes up. I hope you are having an amazing day or night wherever you are in the world! Stay safe and beautiful!

                       With Love, 

                                    Venuz <3

   

            

Why did I start my blog??...What made me start a blog....

     I have loved writing since I was in Junior High, and my favorite subject has always been English, even when I was going to college it has always being my favorite subject. I even had a Freking journal, and still to this day. Though my journal is where I write personal things that I am not willing to share with no one just like anyone else, and in some way helps me process difficult thigs, as well as nightmares and such. But back in 2016?!? I believe is when I started my blog, my first entry. As it was around the time when I shortly had left my ex few years back before I had started my blog, as at that time most of the things such as domestic violence, physical and mental abuse was still fresh that I did not know how to process everything, and at times writing on my journal wasn't really helping much. Thought to myself hen that if I wrote my store in small bits and pieces it may help someone and letting them know that you are not alone and that there is help out there and that you will come out of that relationship one way or another as well as with daily struggles with mental health and such. 

    Writing to me helps me process things better than talking about them, though I am going to therapy, and it has helped me in many ways, along with medication. Yes, I was the one who decided to start medication as I thought it could help in some way along with therapy. Yes, I have gone through many therapists. until I finally found the right one for me. People have given me shit because I have gone through so many, but you know, a therapist is your best friend even though you pay them to listen to your shit, they still are your friend and are there to help you process whatever it is you may be struggling with and help you with your mental health and such. A therapist is a friend that you are shopping for, so if you do not like one go find another one, trade that therapist for another one that you connect with, 

    But anyway, I started my blog because as I said before, it helps me process things in a different way than just talking, or even better than talking with my therapist. As well as in hopes to reach someone that can benefit from my blogs as well as letting you guys know that you are not alone with whatever you are struggling with and that there is help out there. Whatever I am writing about on a blog I usually tend to leave links with resources that people can benefit from, and hopefully. it helps someone out there. 

    Blogging has been my therapy in many ways aside from having an actual therapist, I see my blog kind of like a journal that people can see and read, and probably say or think to themselves "what the hell is wrong with this person, I hope they are seeking help *which I am..*ssshhhh**. Or make someone laugh with my dumb complaints about life, work, coworkers and such. As well as talking about my experiences on my everyday life, and the adventures I go on while I bring my four-legged bestie along with me. I love bringing my dog Toby with me along as much as I can wherever I go if the circumstances allow it for me to bring him along with me. As well as me having a blog gives me the chance to write about almost anything that I want to write about while helping me process my thoughts and somehow someway help someone that may or may not be going though the same things or if you know of someone that requires help I hope that the links I post along with my blog help you or someone you know with whatever you may be struggling with and know that you are no alone...

                                            With Love,

                                                        Venuz <3

There is something I am sure I want in this life and it is not what I 'currently' have....(Story Time)

     There are many things that I am uncertain about in this life that I have. I have no damn clue on what the hell I am doing anymore. Most days I do not feel happy with my current situation that I am in that is for sure. I feel unhappy most days, and unsure if is what I am currently wanting to deal with at the moment. My mental state of mind and current events that I am in make me feel that I am unworthy of more. or any good thing that comes my way. As for most of my life I was made to think that I was not worth it of anything good and made to feel unwanted to a certain extent. I was made to think that everything that I did good was not good enough in any way at all. Made to think that when I felt happy it was not oaky or good in any way at all in any shape or form. Currently it feels as if I am at my lowest point in my life in some way. Bills I have to pay that I am behind on, with a job that does not pay enough. As well as on the verge of being evicted from my apartment if I do not pay the remanding balance that I owe by the 19th of April. I have been doing UberEATS deliveries for a few hours after work, and on days that I am off from work, to supplement my income, but at times it is not enough as they do not pay enough to survive or make ends meet even with a normal full-time job. 

    If I had a car or van, I would most likely live in it rather than pay rent, just to save all my money instead of 'throwing it away' on rent. As it would give me the chance to live off grid in some way, especially if I had a job that was remote or work from home. Van life in some wat has been something I been wanting to do for some time. Yes, I know there are some risks to doing that, specially being a woman with a small dog. But it has been something I have been wanting to do for some time. Though I don't mind working with people or in a team and such, I much rather work on my own as I feel that I do my best when doing things on my own. I dislike being rushed for everything, and people blearing on my ear how I need to be faster/quicker and such. I dislike pressure very so much, and working with people face to face. I am not much of a social person. Being rushed and pressured to do something makes my anxiety go through the roof and makes me go slower than I should be doing things. I am unsure why that happens. As it makes me feel as if I am not doing good enough. 

    Perhaps I could just be the problem and I am the one who does not understand how things should go or be. Or perhaps it could be the tome of my voice and how I say things and people may take it wrong even though I do not mean to be rude or mean and people thinking I have an attitude problem when I do not, just the way I say things. Yes, I do sound very stern when I talk for a lack of better wording. Many people have said that I have to sound nicer and less stern or whatever. I do not know how to sound nicer, as whenever I have tried sounding 'nicer' people think I want something or ask if I'm okay or whatever. I do not know what people want from me and at this point I already gave up on changing myself for the sake of others. Yes, I may be too much of this or too much of that, and that is fine. Perhaps people should go look for less and stop trying to make other change for their own sake. At my age now I do not change for the sake of others, I am focusing on myself to make myself happy not others. Whether people like it or not, it's how it is. Some people may not like that at all, but the ones who love you and care for who you truly are will stay in your life and the ones that don't will leave and say you are the bad guy in the story, either way start making yourself happy and love yourself more. And buy yourself flowers like that Mikey Cirus song and take your damn self out to dinner the dog included or whatever pet you have, your four-legged bestie. As they will love you truly nor will judge you in anyway, as they are always up to party and cheer you up no matter what, unless you have a cat then they will judge you so hard and leave markings, just make sure you have that catnip on hand just in case...

    Welp....that is it for today everyone! Enough about my complaints about life and other stuff. Tell me what's your story and what would you do in such situation. Looking forward to reading your comments..

                                             With Love,

                                                            Venuz <3

Am I making the right decision? Should I go forth with it?

   I have been thinking since last we spoke to start looking for a new job. I have been looking for work from home or remote jobs since, even before I started working for Dunkin Donuts. I do not think that working fast food is for me now that I come to think about it. I’ve lasted this long because I need to pay bills, and have a doggie mouth to feed.

   I do not hate the job, I just don’t think it’s for me. Maybe it could just be I don’t feel so comfortable working with all high school kids. Yes when I was their age I was probably just like them wanting to fit in with my peers and thought it was ‘cool’ to be a snarky kid with an attitude making fun of everyone, thinking I knew better than most. 

   Other than many, many ‘complaints’ about work, I am unsure if I am the problem or I just do not fit in with their ‘work ethics’ I don’t know. I just don’t feel comfortable working there anymore, I would be comfortable work there if there wasn’t any nitpicking or favorism around, and training was longer than just a week or two and things were explained better and communication existed there. But nothing like that is there and no one communicates in anyway at all. I do not understand what kids or bosses mean now a days with communication in anyway. 

   But anyway, I have been looking for a new job, more so one that is work from home . I hope I do find one soon. As I find best to work alone/on my own rather than on a team. Though if I have to work in team wise then well, it is what it is. I just find best I work best on my own.

                    With Love, 

                                 Venuz <3

I’m unsure, I think I need help figuring this out…help?

    Hello everyone, it has been a bit over a week I’ve talked to you guys. And today marks four weeks and two days?! Of me working at Dunkin Donuts, I don’t mind the hours I work. I like working the day shift one thing I was looking for at a job, though I am not used to coming in so early to open a fast food restaurant,  yes I struggle to even wake up so early to get ready for work, get the dog out for potty time and head out to get to work on time just like anyone else. The thing is it’s getting to me now it’s not having to wake up so early to get ready for work. What is getting to me is I feel like I’m not really being trained enough, and being told I’m not fast enough and that I need to get faster. Which I am working on that believe me I am. But see the thing is when I ask for help or think I am, I’m not getting the help I need or ask for. Yes there is new people that require more help than me perhaps. But I am also a new person, they some how expect me to know a lot more than they think I do, and require some help and a bit more training in many things just like the other people, thing I do not think they understand. 

   I am unsure how to bring this up to the owner of the restaurant, without sounding like I’m complaining or anything. Today I started having a gut feeling that the employees more specifically the owner wanted to talk to me about something but unsure how to communicate it to me. I only hope this gut feeling I have is a good one. Or perhaps it could be that this is my anxiety talking and masking me see something that is not there. I hid hope everything is okay and that I have not done something so wrong that I will get fired, hopefully is just the anxiety talking and not common sense. How can I bring this up to the owner within making it sound bad? Or should I just start looking for another job while I still work at Dunkin Donuts? What would you do in this situation? What are your thoughts about this? Please help I’m unsure what to do, please let me know your thoughts. 

   In other news I found the key from work I thought I had lost two days ago, I had retracted my steps, turns my apartment upside down looking for the damnnkey and even looked on and around the dogs bed even though I knew he would not have taken the damn key. Until my dumb ass decided to ask the front desk on my apartment complex where I lived hoping someone turned in the damn key and yes! Someone did turned it in and they handed it back to me! I was so happy that they had it!!

                 With Love,

                           Venuz <3