A blog about places I've visited, things I enjoy such as coffee, thrifting, movies, shows and books I enjoy, with Toby's approval (fur baby *dog*) Also I talk about mental health, domestic violence, and/or sexual abuse. I just an in some way trying to raise awareness to such things and in some way remove taboo. Hope you enjoy :)
Saturday, April 13, 2024
Am I making the right decision? Should I go forth with it?
Wednesday, April 10, 2024
I’m unsure, I think I need help figuring this out…help?
Hello everyone, it has been a bit over a week I’ve talked to you guys. And today marks four weeks and two days?! Of me working at Dunkin Donuts, I don’t mind the hours I work. I like working the day shift one thing I was looking for at a job, though I am not used to coming in so early to open a fast food restaurant, yes I struggle to even wake up so early to get ready for work, get the dog out for potty time and head out to get to work on time just like anyone else. The thing is it’s getting to me now it’s not having to wake up so early to get ready for work. What is getting to me is I feel like I’m not really being trained enough, and being told I’m not fast enough and that I need to get faster. Which I am working on that believe me I am. But see the thing is when I ask for help or think I am, I’m not getting the help I need or ask for. Yes there is new people that require more help than me perhaps. But I am also a new person, they some how expect me to know a lot more than they think I do, and require some help and a bit more training in many things just like the other people, thing I do not think they understand.
I am unsure how to bring this up to the owner of the restaurant, without sounding like I’m complaining or anything. Today I started having a gut feeling that the employees more specifically the owner wanted to talk to me about something but unsure how to communicate it to me. I only hope this gut feeling I have is a good one. Or perhaps it could be that this is my anxiety talking and masking me see something that is not there. I hid hope everything is okay and that I have not done something so wrong that I will get fired, hopefully is just the anxiety talking and not common sense. How can I bring this up to the owner within making it sound bad? Or should I just start looking for another job while I still work at Dunkin Donuts? What would you do in this situation? What are your thoughts about this? Please help I’m unsure what to do, please let me know your thoughts.
In other news I found the key from work I thought I had lost two days ago, I had retracted my steps, turns my apartment upside down looking for the damnnkey and even looked on and around the dogs bed even though I knew he would not have taken the damn key. Until my dumb ass decided to ask the front desk on my apartment complex where I lived hoping someone turned in the damn key and yes! Someone did turned it in and they handed it back to me! I was so happy that they had it!!
With Love,
Venuz <3
Friday, March 29, 2024
I hope you guys have had a good week so far, if not lets talk about it. My week has been okay so far...
Thursday, March 21, 2024
Hey Everyone! The week so far has been good to me..
Hello everyone! I know it has been a while since I have talked to you, last time I talked to you was about a week ago? I think I talked about work and mental health things. But anyways, so! Monday this week I started a new job, and it has been good so far with the exception of waking up extra early to get ready, get Toby out for his business at an ungodly hour of the day, which is unfair for him. Poor thing just looks at me like 'what the heckin is the issue why are you taking me out at this hour, its sleepy time' but then again, he has the whole day to sleep it all off until I come back from work and gets to go out again for another walk at a 'normal' time. As I mentioned I started a new job on Monday, and it's at a Dunkin' Donuts. I am liking it so far, and what is making me like it more is that I get to start early enough normal human hours when I get off, I get to be home earlier to spend more time with the dog. Which I am liking, because who does not want to spent time with the dog right?!?! I am all for it, to spend more time with the dog more often than not.
When I was looking for a job for almost two months, it felt like I was not going to find a new job. I even had applied at my old job at the casino, even though I am just not okay anymore working the night shift anymore, I wanted them to call me and 'interview me' and offer me the job back. I was getting paid good, heck! It's a casino of course they pay well, with benefits included (i.e. medical, vision, dentist) I wanted that, but they never did call me back, the application I had put in is still 'under review' but at this time it does not even matter really anymore. I now feel more like a normal person working normal working hours during the daytime rather than working the nightshift. As it was screwing with my mental health which is not at all okay in any way at all, to me at least. Now that I have daytime working hours, I feel better about myself, and my mental health is in a better place now than when I was working the night shift. Not that I have much of a social life, but when I was working the night shift it felt like I did not have a social life in any way, since I was sleeping the whole day, just to wake up at night only to head to work when everyone is asleep and sleep when everyone is awake working or out doing something 'fun' whatever it was. The poor dog was even awake during the time I was asleep getting some rest just to do it all over again during the night. It was not okay for me in any way, especially for the dog waiting on me to get up and take him out to the patio area. I just did not think it was okay for me specially for the dog. I did not even get to see my family over the holidays because I was working the night shift.
Now it's all over for a long while, not having to work the night shift anymore, now I get to have more of a social life to put like that, I get to do normal things like go out and have some type of fun. I like the fact that I get to go out to the Arts District and take Toby with me for some fun and experience more things and see what all the fun is about. I even get to do UberEATS deliveries during the daytime as well, and have fun while doing that, and Toby gets to come along as well as it gets him out of the house for longer periods of time, people love it when I bring Toby with me, my four-legged bestie with me.
That is, it for now guys! I just wanted to give you all some type of update on what has been going on with me since last we spoke. I hope you guys are having the best day or night wherever you are in the world! Stay safe, well talk soon.
With Love,
Venuz
p.s. Remember that you are amazing and beautiful! You are wanted!
Saturday, March 9, 2024
Some Current Events Going On......
So, yesterday I had an interview at White Castle, I am sure most of you know about that restaurant and such. Yea the sliders are good, I like the Jalapeno flavor ones. In fact, it went really well, I got offered the job and hired on the spot. Which I thought it was a good thing, since my last job decided to let me go for some differences management, and I had. Which I talked about on another blog a few days ago. Anyway, I was happy that I got the job. All I have to do is go get the background check and the drug test that they need me to do, before I start. It came as a surprise a good one at best I had submitted the application the day or two prior I got the call for an interview yesterday. I like the fact that is walking distance from where I live, which is good, mind you I do not drive, or own a car. I usually tend to either use public transportation, ride my bicycle, or walk, to where I need to. Which I do not mind doing any of those things, many people use public transportation, walk or ride their bicycles just like myself. There is nothing wrong with using any of those things in anyway. I think is a great way to save the environment in many ways. For me walking or riding my bicycle is a form of me getting some exercise I am getting, like many other people who do the same things.
When I started writing this blog about the job and such, I was feeling some type of way. I was not sure how to take it. I was feeling jittery, somewhat anxious, and felt somewhat unfocused, as well as well as a gut feeling, and was not sure if it was good or not. It mostly felt like something good, which I hope something good will be happening. At the same time, I felt angsty, not sure why, I did take my medication for anxiety a bit late though, but I did take it. Feeling angst, anxious as if something is wrong or if I had done something, is not a good feeling, I do not like feeling this way. I just hope it is something good and not bad in any way. When I start feeling this way, I do the best I can to think of good and positive things to try and make myself feel better, not so panicky, angsty or so anxious, and do the best to take deep breaths to try and calm down a bit. Yet I do let myself and my body feel what it needs to feel yet try and calm down and tell myself everything will be okay, that it all will pass.
Most of the time I hear 'How come you do not have everything figured out. You're an adult now in your 30's. You should already be stable, with your life figured out, and know what you want at this point in your life.' But guess what I don't, just because people say I should does not mean I have to. Just because I am in my 30's does not mean I have to have my life figured out, or even be married with children or whatever. No, I don't want to be married or have children. I am perfectly fine being single with no children to care for. I am perfectly fine being a dog owner/dog mom. I feel happy that way, that the only thing I have to deal with and care for is my dog. I do not want to feel forced to have to wake up early to feed a man or a significant other. I don't have my life figured out in anyway, just like most people my age, and that's okay. I don't go having five- or ten-year plans like most people do. I probably should, but to me there is no point of having that in any way. I do not see myself married with children in the next five years let alone in ten years. I really do not see myself like that, maybe with like 10 dogs and a big house and a big backyard yes, so they have some where to run and play and such.
I do no pretend to be a perfect human because I am not. Though I do have faults, I am a sinner not a saint. I have don't more wrongs that goods, but I do the best I can to right the wrongs I have done in the past, not for the sake of the other person but for my sake. I am seeking therapy for my mental health, and that is one of the best things I have done for myself. As for a while I was not doing good mentally in any way at all. I feel it has helped me turn things around for the best, and that is good enough for me for the time being. The more I work on my mental health the better I feel every day. Yes, there will be days where I do not want to just stay in bed all day long, only to get up and get the dog out for his walks to do his business and then back in bed I go. I don't even want to deal with anything or anyone at all, the times I say in bed all day, I just sleep and ignore the outside world. I don't even want to clean my apartment, shower or even brush my teeth. Nothing at all, that after probably being in bed and sleeping all day, I look and smell worse than a person without housing. When I do get up and take a shower or even brush my teeth, or just maybe wash one or two dishes or sweep the floor, it feels like is an accomplishment. After feeling like shit after who knows how long. My mental health is not 100% there but I do the best I can do at least feel 10% okay to drink some water and feed myself. I take medication for my mental health, and sometimes it feels like it is not doing what is supposed to do, but if it helps me to wake up and get out of bed to take my dog out for his walks, is an achievement that the medication helped me accomplish. And that is enough for me, I am thankful that I have my dog with me, because it gives me something to care for and makes me feel like I'm not as useless or hopeless as I may feel at times.
Every job that I have had, I always try and have a talk with the managers and such about my mental health and diabetes. To make them aware of my situation, and that sometimes I may not feel the best or myself or such. As I always put my mental health and diabetes first before any job, as if I am not feeling okay any day or my blood sugar drops, they know as they can manage the situation as they see fit. I always try and have open communication with management and coworkers a like about my mental health and diabetes and such just in case I'm not myself or feeling not okay just so they are aware and can help, as mentioned before.
Okay guys! This is all I have for today; I apologize for the long rant. I hope you guys take something out of this craziness I talked to you guys about and such. I will put some links somewhere here on the blog about mental health and others for any of you that may be needing some mental health help, someone to talk to or anything else that you may be going through. Remember you are a beautiful human being, and you are worthy of the space you have on this earth and remember that someone out there needs you and wants and cannot wait to meet you, and help you see how beautiful the world can be.
With Love,
Venuz <3
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-health-strengthening-our-response
Wednesday, March 6, 2024
I Think I Love You…..(an open letter)
Sunday, March 3, 2024
A Letter to My Teenage Self..
Hello there young me, I know times are rough, though. I know you think things are not going to get better, perhaps nothing is going to change, and it all feels like a nightmare. I know you do not trust anyone at the moment in any sort of way. You are trying your hardest to be someone or something and trying to fit in somewhere, your peers and trying for mom's approval, yet all she does is destroy your views and tells you that you're nothing, and probably will ever be nothing. Mom does not show you the love that you crave neither does she tell you that she is proud of you in any way, nor does she show it. But trust me everything will be okay. Perhaps there will be many times you will be trying may therapists and maybe some of them do not fit or you feel comfortable with them or feel that you can trust them, and you may feel like you are being judged by them. But trust me you will find the right therapist that you feel comfortable with and trust, and you'll be able to tell him everything or almost everything. He will help you in may ways than you think.
When you got sexually assaulted/raped at age 26 it was one of the most traumatic things that could have had happened to you. You did not know how you would overcome it, and thought it was all your fault, which it was not your fault in any sort of way at all. Mom believed you when the rape happened, she helped you with some of the nightmares and told you that you were going to be okay. Your therapist will help you overcome that day by day. The more you talk about it with him and perhaps other people it will help you realize it was never your fault. Same when you got sexually abused when you were just six years old. Your mom believed you and took you away from that predator and helped get him in prison for the rest of his life. Your grandma thought it was all your fault that this predator did such horrific things, how dare she say you a six-year-old was at fault for such horrific shit. What a piece of shit of a person to say her granddaughter a six-year-old was at fault for this disgusting predator to do such thing. But you will be okay, it is not going to define you or who you are.
When you, mom and sister moved to Las Vegas it felt okay to get away from all the wrong things going on with mom in Texas.
When you were I think a sophomore or Junior in high school you got a boyfriend and you 'loved him' he gave you the sun and the moon. He was your first love. You thought you 'loved' him. It all felt so right at the time, but you never thought he would do what he did. Low key he started abusing you mentally and emotionally, he got you pregnant at 18 and never did anything about it, thought you had cheated on him. Always blamed you were cheating when in reality he was the one cheating on you but blaming it all on you. The time he got your pregnant you wanted to keep the baby, and thought you were able to handle it. But the best thing that could had ever happen to you was have a miscarriage and lose the baby. You were not ready to be a mother even though you thought you were ready and able to handle it. When you and he lived together for a while that is when things got worse emotionally and mentally and that is when he started physically abusing you as well. You were blinded by the 'love' you had for him. You did not think there was anything wrong going on. Until this one time he beat you with a broom, punched you, kicked you and pulled your hair. When he started beating you with a broom it broke and cut you on your left thumb. You were so scared for yourself and your dogs, you screamed with all you had, the neighbors' called the police. When they got there you were so traumatized, you weren't able to talk nor answer any of the questions the police were asking. You were taken to jail because he abused you. You were full of bruises, full of blood, battered and beaten by this person. You shut sown in every single way. You did not know what had happened, everything felt like a nightmare. Mom helped you get a restraining order against him, which helped in some sort of way, but not fully. You were still scared and traumatized by the whole thing, you did not talk for days or even weeks. You did not even want to go out anywhere at all.
Everything will be okay, you will get through it, and your therapist will help you through it as well. He will understand your problems, and assure you that everything will be okay, and that you were never at fault, and that it was never your fault. He will help you and guide you through everything and let you know it was never your fault. Shit happened yes but is what made you stronger than you thought you would be. Now you are stronger than ever and could help someone that may be in the same situation.
Just know that everything will be okay, YOU WILL BE OKAY!! It is what made you stronger, and more aware of everything. Helped you see peoples 'true colors' and not be trustworthy of just anyone. It helps you know who you can truly trust and who you cannot trust and be aware of your surroundings and of people. Yes, you may not have enough friends and just keep to yourself but that'll be because you are doing your best to understand yourself more and keep yourself safe. Just know that you will be okay and that everything will be okay. Remember that everything is what made you stronger than you ever thought you were or will be.
Remember that you are more than your fears.
With Love,
Venuz <3
Tuesday, February 27, 2024
StoryTime?!...UberEats Delivery day
So, at of a few weeks ago I started doing UberEATS deliveries. Which do not give me wrong I like doing it, one because I get to deliver on my bicycle, and I get to exercise and get while doing it, I also get to bring my dog Toby along with me every so often, that he already knows he is coming along as soon as he sees his carrier bag. I've come to the conclusion that when people I bring along my dog every so often it makes their day brighter. But anyway, not really what I am here for, to tell you guys but this comes in hand.
So, recently about a week ago or so, when I had picked up a delivery, I saw one of my ex's crossing the street towards the restaurant I got the delivery from. Mind you this is the ex that abused me mentally, emotionally and physically, in every way possible. He was the reason I ended up in jail for, because of self-defense and such. At the time of this happening, I was just in shock, I was not talking, not even answering the officers' questions. I did not know what the hell was going on. At this time everything happened all too fast yet nothing at the same time. I was not thinking straight, long story short, I was a mess that day.
Anyway, that day when I had just come out of the restaurant from picking up the order, I saw him along with his twin brother. They were both halfway to the side where I was at, when they both made a V line to the other side, so they would not cross paths with me, or any of such. When I saw them both, I felt not scared but anxious, with a panic attack halfway coming up. Everything, every memory, everything he did and said to me and all the abuse I endured at the time I was with him came back. All of this was when I was still in high school freshly starting College at the time. All this abuse happened between 2006-2011ish. I am not going to go into full detail of everything that had happened or what he did during that time. I just remember that at the time when neighbors called the police or whatever, was because they had heard me scream. Not quite sure how I screamed or how loud and scared I sounded or what they heard that they called emergency services. Which I am glad that they did, or I do not know what would have happened to me or my dogs I had at the time that went over the rainbow bridge a few years back. But anyway, when I saw him with is twin brother, I started having anxiety with a panic attack coming. Though I am glad that I had Toby with me that day. As he in some way being with me kept me calm and somewhat grounded and that everything was going to be okay.
So, after I took some breaths and focused on my dog for a little while I went on my way to deliver the food to the customer. Yes, I felt like a wreck for a little while, but I somewhat calmed down and told myself that I was going to be okay, that I was okay as a matter of fact, I had Toby with me of course and as well as I was riding my bicycle, which helped me relax and calm down. Yes, I took my anxiety medication right after I delivered the food to the customer, to help me relax a bit more.
That was story for today. I kind of just wanted to get it off my chest. I will talk to you guys next time. Enjouy your day or nigth whereever you are in the world.
With Love,
Venuz <3
Sunday, February 25, 2024
Quite a few things that make me happy/thankful for......
The day my nephew was born was a day that made me happy, I remember the day my mom said to me my sister was pregnant, that day I had worked a 16-hour shift. I remember I called my mom crying and complaining about it. My mom trying to change the conversation said to me that my sister called her that she was pregnant. That day it dropped like a bomb to me, I was stressed and overwhelmed about the long workday, that when my mom mentioned to me my sister was pregnant and that I was going to be an aunt. It made me so happy! I cried, not so sure why I did, I wasn't even the one pregnant, but just the fact that I was going to be an aunt made me grateful and happy. It was at the time I was working at the casino across my mom's work. So of course, my mom waited for me and gave me a ride to my house. I am very grateful for my nephew very much so. Then there is the day when my nephew was born, he was so tiny! At the time it did not seem real at all, my sister being a mom, my mom becoming a grandma and me becoming an aunt. It at all felt surreal, like I was living in a dream somehow. It just became one of the happy days of my life. A tiny human into our small family. I honestly never thought I would become an aunt, my mom becoming a grandma and my sister becoming a mom, something that was not in her books, but sure as hell things happen for a reason, right?! And you got that right that it made me very happy that day. Welcoming my sister's tiny human into the world.
I am thankful as well that I am finally seeking the mental help that I desperately needed. I am as well grateful for the therapist I got. He is one of the greatest people in my eyes. He has helped me in many ways, listens to my shit, shenanigans and everything else in between without judgment. What I liked most about him is that he actually had a pen and paper writing his notes about what I talked about and everything that a therapist should do. The reason I am saying this is because any other therapists that I have tried, they always are either pretending to listen, preoccupied on their computer screen or anything else other than looking at me and actually paying attention and writing notes with a pen and paper. In my mind that is what a therapist should do, pay attention to the client., listen nonjudgmentally while writing their notes. I finally feel comfortable with this one therapist that I have I can talk about some dumb thing that is worrying me and help me with whatever dumb thing that is stressing me out as stupid as it may sound. Because you know therapists are like friends that you are shopping for and paying for them to listen to your problems and help you navigate through it all and how to deal with such and such situation. I am very grateful and thankful for my therapist. I like that he helps me through my past traumas, and such, though I know is what a therapist is for to help.
Also, I am thankful for my family, even though we are not as close as most families I am grateful that they are there when I need them. My mom the woman that raised me even though she's been though with me up until this day. I am still grateful for her even though I do not let her know often as I should, I am thankful that she is my mother. I could not ask for a better mom than her. She was and still is a single parent. I am happy that I can come to her for almost anything, she'll help me with whatever I may be having problems with, or though situations and such, I know she'll be there and help me though it as much as she can. She was and still is to this day mother and father both at the same time. I don't know how she did it to raise me and my younger sister all by herself. Low key she is my hero, she was and still is my Wonder Woman, and because of her my hero is Wonder Woman as crazy as it sounds because believe it or not her favorite hero of all time was wonder woman, she used to watch the show.
As most pet parents, I trust my dog when he does not like someone, but I do not a human who does not like dogs or pets in general. Those are some iffy people and I see them as suspicious.
With Love,
Venuz
p.s. Have a wonderful day or night wherever you are in the world, take care, well talk soon.
Saturday, February 17, 2024
So Much Happened....lets talk ya?!
So, last we talked I think I was complaining about my last job. I was fired because my attitude?! I really do not understand why, because I was never talked about any of this, I always was asking about my performance and such. I was always told I was doing okay such and such. Never once was I told how my attitude was wrong, or how "profanity" I was using. If I did use 'profanity' it was away from customers, or after hours when the restaurant was closed. Anyway, about two write us were given, and at the second one I was threatened to be fired if nothing changed, but how was anything going to change if no one ever talked to me about what I was doing wrong and how I was able to fix it and such. So finally, I was put on "three-day suspension pending investigation", but then I was called later that week on a Thursday, because the manager needed to talk to me. So, there I go, tells me a so and so story and finally hands me the final paycheck. He asked if I had anything to ask or comments or anything. I just go up and left and said thank you. I just walked out the door without looking back. Mind you before any of this happened, I started to fill out the unemployment thing. Yes, I shamelessly filed for unemployment without a word to anyone,
With Love,
Venuz