I Think I Love You…..(an open letter)

     I remember last year around this time, the very first meeting you and I had. It was just me coming in and starting my therapy session with you. At the time it felt like I was in hell unsure how my mind was not in the right place. You have helped me through so much. As well as how to better deal with my mental health. But I didn’t know how close you and I would become, you listening to whatever problem I my be having and helping me through it. Getting to know each other on a deeper level. 

     The more I started attending the meetings the more I started to like you, other than therapist & client relationship. It might be wrong yes I understand that and I would not want your life or job to be in jeopardy because of me, or this situation were getting in to. I don’t know how to explain how much affection I have for you how much I like you as a person, for you. It may be infatuation perhaps, but every time I see you, and I’m close to you my heart beats faster. It makes me feel exited when it’s time to come and see you. Even if the meeting does not last for too long, I still am happy I get to spend time with you. It makes me happy and I feel like I smile longer and louder than ever, more so when I’m around you. Whether I’ve had a rough day, week or month, you make me feel like everything is going to be okay. It’s stupid how constantly I think of you, and me not knowing if you even feel the same way about me how I feel about you. 

     May sound ridiculous, but at times I wish you would just appear outside my door just for the heck of it, and because you were thinking of me all day and has the urge to see me. Yeah, I know you are busy with work and don’t have much time for anything else. You end up exhausted at the end of the day, you just want to get home and just go to bed just to do it all over again the next day. I probably don’t even cross your mind, not even for a minute, even if I did it probably not as frequent, or as much. I just wish you knew how often you cross my mind more so on a busy day. At times I wonder if you’re doing okay or even how your day is going. It bothers me that I feel all this ‘love’ if you would like to call it that for you, but I don’t even if you even feel the same way about me. I honestly do not know how to even express it how I truly feel about you. At times I dream of the day if any that you’ll be by my side, without a care on what anyone thinks. The day if any that you’ll be mine. 

                 With Love,

                            Venuz

A Letter to My Teenage Self..

     Hello there young me, I know times are rough, though. I know you think things are not going to get better, perhaps nothing is going to change, and it all feels like a nightmare. I know you do not trust anyone at the moment in any sort of way. You are trying your hardest to be someone or something and trying to fit in somewhere, your peers and trying for mom's approval, yet all she does is destroy your views and tells you that you're nothing, and probably will ever be nothing. Mom does not show you the love that you crave neither does she tell you that she is proud of you in any way, nor does she show it. But trust me everything will be okay. Perhaps there will be many times you will be trying may therapists and maybe some of them do not fit or you feel comfortable with them or feel that you can trust them, and you may feel like you are being judged by them. But trust me you will find the right therapist that you feel comfortable with and trust, and you'll be able to tell him everything or almost everything. He will help you in may ways than you think. 

    When you got sexually assaulted/raped at age 26 it was one of the most traumatic things that could have had happened to you. You did not know how you would overcome it, and thought it was all your fault, which it was not your fault in any sort of way at all. Mom believed you when the rape happened, she helped you with some of the nightmares and told you that you were going to be okay. Your therapist will help you overcome that day by day. The more you talk about it with him and perhaps other people it will help you realize it was never your fault. Same when you got sexually abused when you were just six years old. Your mom believed you and took you away from that predator and helped get him in prison for the rest of his life. Your grandma thought it was all your fault that this predator did such horrific things, how dare she say you a six-year-old was at fault for such horrific shit. What a piece of shit of a person to say her granddaughter a six-year-old was at fault for this disgusting predator to do such thing. But you will be okay, it is not going to define you or who you are. 

    When you, mom and sister moved to Las Vegas it felt okay to get away from all the wrong things going on with mom in Texas. 

    When you were I think a sophomore or Junior in high school you got a boyfriend and you 'loved him' he gave you the sun and the moon. He was your first love. You thought you 'loved' him. It all felt so right at the time, but you never thought he would do what he did. Low key he started abusing you mentally and emotionally, he got you pregnant at 18 and never did anything about it, thought you had cheated on him. Always blamed you were cheating when in reality he was the one cheating on you but blaming it all on you. The time he got your pregnant you wanted to keep the baby, and thought you were able to handle it. But the best thing that could had ever happen to you was have a miscarriage and lose the baby. You were not ready to be a mother even though you thought you were ready and able to handle it. When you and he lived together for a while that is when things got worse emotionally and mentally and that is when he started physically abusing you as well. You were blinded by the 'love' you had for him. You did not think there was anything wrong going on. Until this one time he beat you with a broom, punched you, kicked you and pulled your hair. When he started beating you with a broom it broke and cut you on your left thumb. You were so scared for yourself and your dogs, you screamed with all you had, the neighbors' called the police. When they got there you were so traumatized, you weren't able to talk nor answer any of the questions the police were asking. You were taken to jail because he abused you. You were full of bruises, full of blood, battered and beaten by this person. You shut sown in every single way. You did not know what had happened, everything felt like a nightmare. Mom helped you get a restraining order against him, which helped in some sort of way, but not fully. You were still scared and traumatized by the whole thing, you did not talk for days or even weeks. You did not even want to go out anywhere at all. 

    Everything will be okay, you will get through it, and your therapist will help you through it as well. He will understand your problems, and assure you that everything will be okay, and that you were never at fault, and that it was never your fault. He will help you and guide you through everything and let you know it was never your fault. Shit happened yes but is what made you stronger than you thought you would be. Now you are stronger than ever and could help someone that may be in the same situation. 

    Just know that everything will be okay, YOU WILL BE OKAY!! It is what made you stronger, and more aware of everything. Helped you see peoples 'true colors' and not be trustworthy of just anyone. It helps you know who you can truly trust and who you cannot trust and be aware of your surroundings and of people. Yes, you may not have enough friends and just keep to yourself but that'll be because you are doing your best to understand yourself more and keep yourself safe. Just know that you will be okay and that everything will be okay. Remember that everything is what made you stronger than you ever thought you were or will be. 

    Remember that you are more than your fears.

                            With Love,

                                        Venuz <3

StoryTime?!...UberEats Delivery day

     So, at of a few weeks ago I started doing UberEATS deliveries. Which do not give me wrong I like doing it, one because I get to deliver on my bicycle, and I get to exercise and get while doing it, I also get to bring my dog Toby along with me every so often, that he already knows he is coming along as soon as he sees his carrier bag. I've come to the conclusion that when people I bring along my dog every so often it makes their day brighter. But anyway, not really what I am here for, to tell you guys but this comes in hand.

    So, recently about a week ago or so, when I had picked up a delivery, I saw one of my ex's crossing the street towards the restaurant I got the delivery from. Mind you this is the ex that abused me mentally, emotionally and physically, in every way possible. He was the reason I ended up in jail for, because of self-defense and such. At the time of this happening, I was just in shock, I was not talking, not even answering the officers' questions. I did not know what the hell was going on. At this time everything happened all too fast yet nothing at the same time. I was not thinking straight, long story short, I was a mess that day. 

    Anyway, that day when I had just come out of the restaurant from picking up the order, I saw him along with his twin brother. They were both halfway to the side where I was at, when they both made a V line to the other side, so they would not cross paths with me, or any of such. When I saw them both, I felt not scared but anxious, with a panic attack halfway coming up. Everything, every memory, everything he did and said to me and all the abuse I endured at the time I was with him came back. All of this was when I was still in high school freshly starting College at the time. All this abuse happened between 2006-2011ish. I am not going to go into full detail of everything that had happened or what he did during that time. I just remember that at the time when neighbors called the police or whatever, was because they had heard me scream. Not quite sure how I screamed or how loud and scared I sounded or what they heard that they called emergency services. Which I am glad that they did, or I do not know what would have happened to me or my dogs I had at the time that went over the rainbow bridge a few years back. But anyway, when I saw him with is twin brother, I started having anxiety with a panic attack coming. Though I am glad that I had Toby with me that day. As he in some way being with me kept me calm and somewhat grounded and that everything was going to be okay. 

    So, after I took some breaths and focused on my dog for a little while I went on my way to deliver the food to the customer. Yes, I felt like a wreck for a little while, but I somewhat calmed down and told myself that I was going to be okay, that I was okay as a matter of fact, I had Toby with me of course and as well as I was riding my bicycle, which helped me relax and calm down. Yes, I took my anxiety medication right after I delivered the food to the customer, to help me relax a bit more. 

    That was story for today. I kind of just wanted to get it off my chest. I will talk to you guys next time. Enjouy your day or nigth whereever you are in the world.

                            With Love,

                                      Venuz <3

Quite a few things that make me happy/thankful for......

     The day my nephew was born was a day that made me happy, I remember the day my mom said to me my sister was pregnant, that day I had worked a 16-hour shift. I remember I called my mom crying and complaining about it. My mom trying to change the conversation said to me that my sister called her that she was pregnant. That day it dropped like a bomb to me, I was stressed and overwhelmed about the long workday, that when my mom mentioned to me my sister was pregnant and that I was going to be an aunt. It made me so happy! I cried, not so sure why I did, I wasn't even the one pregnant, but just the fact that I was going to be an aunt made me grateful and happy. It was at the time I was working at the casino across my mom's work. So of course, my mom waited for me and gave me a ride to my house. I am very grateful for my nephew very much so. Then there is the day when my nephew was born, he was so tiny! At the time it did not seem real at all, my sister being a mom, my mom becoming a grandma and me becoming an aunt. It at all felt surreal, like I was living in a dream somehow. It just became one of the happy days of my life. A tiny human into our small family. I honestly never thought I would become an aunt, my mom becoming a grandma and my sister becoming a mom, something that was not in her books, but sure as hell things happen for a reason, right?! And you got that right that it made me very happy that day. Welcoming my sister's tiny human into the world. 

    I am thankful as well that I am finally seeking the mental help that I desperately needed. I am as well grateful for the therapist I got. He is one of the greatest people in my eyes. He has helped me in many ways, listens to my shit, shenanigans and everything else in between without judgment. What I liked most about him is that he actually had a pen and paper writing his notes about what I talked about and everything that a therapist should do. The reason I am saying this is because any other therapists that I have tried, they always are either pretending to listen, preoccupied on their computer screen or anything else other than looking at me and actually paying attention and writing notes with a pen and paper. In my mind that is what a therapist should do, pay attention to the client., listen nonjudgmentally while writing their notes. I finally feel comfortable with this one therapist that I have I can talk about some dumb thing that is worrying me and help me with whatever dumb thing that is stressing me out as stupid as it may sound. Because you know therapists are like friends that you are shopping for and paying for them to listen to your problems and help you navigate through it all and how to deal with such and such situation. I am very grateful and thankful for my therapist. I like that he helps me through my past traumas, and such, though I know is what a therapist is for to help.

    Also, I am thankful for my family, even though we are not as close as most families I am grateful that they are there when I need them. My mom the woman that raised me even though she's been though with me up until this day. I am still grateful for her even though I do not let her know often as I should, I am thankful that she is my mother. I could not ask for a better mom than her. She was and still is a single parent. I am happy that I can come to her for almost anything, she'll help me with whatever I may be having problems with, or though situations and such, I know she'll be there and help me though it as much as she can. She was and still is to this day mother and father both at the same time. I don't know how she did it to raise me and my younger sister all by herself. Low key she is my hero, she was and still is my Wonder Woman, and because of her my hero is Wonder Woman as crazy as it sounds because believe it or not her favorite hero of all time was wonder woman, she used to watch the show. 

    Las but not least I am grateful for my dog, he's a rescue. I believe I have talked about him before and how he ended up with me. One of my mom's friends from work found him on the streets all battered and beaten, scared half to death. My mom's friend did not want him, and my mom did not want him either, I remember the day that she sent me a picture of him. She had mentioned to me if I wanted him because if I didn't, she was going to take him to the animal shelter. So of course, I said to her bring him to me I will take him in. Poor thing was so scared, it took some time for him to trust me, but with patience and beef jerky it is all it took for him to slowly trust me. Now eight years later this fur baby is still with me. He's just as lazy if not more than me. But that is all fine by me, I love the hell out of this ball of fur full of love. He is the one thing that keeps me sane and the one I have to look after, he gives me something to do every day, and everything else in between. As most millennials like me, my dog is my baby, my child my everything. I would give him my meal before he went hungry. I do miss my other dog a shit-tzu that I had that went over the rainbow a few years back. Do not give me wrong but I am grateful that Toby came into my life at the right time. Toby is a Chihuahua if I haven't mentioned that before, am ankle biter as some people say Chihuahuas are OR as someone told me offhandedly 'a rat on steroids' which I found was very mean and rude. But you know that little floffy thing is my child my little men, the love of my life who owns my heart, and that is the way I like it, believe it or not. 

    As most pet parents, I trust my dog when he does not like someone, but I do not a human who does not like dogs or pets in general. Those are some iffy people and I see them as suspicious. 

                    With Love, 

                                Venuz

p.s. Have a wonderful day or night wherever you are in the world, take care, well talk soon.

 

So Much Happened....lets talk ya?!

     So, last we talked I think I was complaining about my last job. I was fired because my attitude?! I really do not understand why, because I was never talked about any of this, I always was asking about my performance and such. I was always told I was doing okay such and such. Never once was I told how my attitude was wrong, or how "profanity" I was using. If I did use 'profanity' it was away from customers, or after hours when the restaurant was closed. Anyway, about two write us were given, and at the second one I was threatened to be fired if nothing changed, but how was anything going to change if no one ever talked to me about what I was doing wrong and how I was able to fix it and such. So finally, I was put on "three-day suspension pending investigation", but then I was called later that week on a Thursday, because the manager needed to talk to me. So, there I go, tells me a so and so story and finally hands me the final paycheck. He asked if I had anything to ask or comments or anything. I just go up and left and said thank you. I just walked out the door without looking back. Mind you before any of this happened, I started to fill out the unemployment thing. Yes, I shamelessly filed for unemployment without a word to anyone, 

    I thought have a 'job' if you want to call it like that, and that is to do UberEATS Deliveries mean time I wait for someone to call me back for interviews, for the applications I have had filled so far. Mind you it has been way too many, perhaps over 100 or so this past week or two. I have no shame, I just need a job and I am doing something to earn some money meantime, which is as I have had mentioned before doing UberEATS Deliveries, just to get me by until I hear something, at least one interview. That is all I want, an interview, perhaps even get offered the job. I even applied for the last job I had which was at a casino, I hope the manager contacts me to offer me the job, even though I will dislike going back to night shift, but I would not mind it, at this point I desperately need a damn job. I also even applied back at one of the convenience stores I used to work at before, and I hope I do honest to god that either the casino or the gas station contact me first and offer me the job. For now, though I have to be patient. I do think something is going to come up soon, I have or want to have high hopes that something will come one and someone will call me for an interview and offer me the job. I want to say positive in those regards job wise and such.

                    With Love,

                                   Venuz 

 

 

Well, what's going on guys!!

     Hello again everyone!! Another day in this hell of a day.... different day though. So. today I had an "interview" like thing. They the place where I applied called it Culture Audition. Very interesting choice of words and to call something that is not really an interview, but okay. So, I went, and it all seemed very nice and interesting, the person from Human Resources was the one who took the group I was on into a room and showed us a 15-minute video and after it said if anyone had any questions or something along those words. Not what I expected from a audition thing but whatever I'll take it. I hope I at least get a call for an actual interview, with a person for the position I had applied for, it was a few positions that I had applied for. So, I hope I at least get one call for an interview. I also applied for other companies' casino wise. And one of the casinos I had applied for MGM properties, there was a position for the job I used to do, which is Count Room Attendant. I was surprised that it was opened, because my last day with the company/casino the position had been closed days after I gave my two-week notice. Now I come to find out that after months of not have been working there the position was opened again, so I submitted the application, to return to work for them. Yes, it will be the night shift and all, but it does pay better than the current job I am in, that barely pays me enough to pay rent and that is it. I am not trying to complain in any way possible at all, but when you barely get paid to barely survive, after paying bills and rent, it's not something anyone wants. Yes, if I do go back to being a count room attendant, I am probably going to hate it and somewhat regret that I went back, but it pays better than the restaurant where I was currently working at. It was not a bad jot at all, I liked that it was during the day and felt comfortable there, but what I was starting to dislike about the job is that they were not paying enough, just barely to survive. Management does not talk to the employees about what they are doing wrong, does not help them get better, just put blame on what they thought you did wrong and wait last minute until get things go worse to give you a write up. They do not care about the employees, in anyway even if you kiss ass. 

    But anyway, I am unsure of what to do next other than submitting applications and hope that someone calls me in for an interview and offers me the job. That is all I am hoping for, that someone does including the last casino I worked for in the count room. I am doing the best that I can do not feel so stressed at all, or remotely worried. As I hope someone calls and offers me the job after interviewing me for the job. 

    I am not a perfect person, I am not a saint nor a goode-two-shoes in any way possible, yes, I know sometimes my attitude can be ugly at times and yes, I do cuss like a sailor with the worse potty mouth possible. As well as I know I am not everyone's cup of tea, but if someone comes to talk to me because of one thing or another my attitude, or the way I talk or something like such, and it is not professional in any way while in the workplace. You bet your ass that I will work on that and improve that and do my best to be professional during working hours. I am just like anyone else that uses foul language and such while upset, frustrated or whatever you want to insert in there. To me in my eyes, now a days management does not really care much for the employees, or what may go around the workplace to see what is going on and such. They do not care how their employees are doing, what may be going on or such, some management does not treat their employees very well, and it shows, because of how the employees act towards other people while in the workplace. If management cared for the employees and everything running smoothly it would show, with how employees interact with others and such. Thats just me though. Management can sometimes make the workplace hostile and that is not okay. That is just me. But anyway, that is my rant for the day/night wherever you are in the world. I will talk to you next time. Take care and be safe....

                            With Love,

                                        Venuz

Long Time No Talk You Guys!!

     Hey everyone! How are you all doing? I am hoping that you are doing just fine, as I am sure you are looking just wonderful and amazing! I am sure of that!

    With me on the other hand, I don't even know what the fluff will happen with me or my job, as today I was told I am on a three-day suspension pending investigation kind of deal. Just because the manager found a damn yelp review about the restaurant where I work at, mind you they said good things about the restaurant and gave it five starts. Just the one thing that was wrong with it, is that I may have been a loud potty mouth which was not my intention to at all, specifically in front of customers in anyway at all. I did not mean to disrespect anyone it was honestly not my intention in any way at all whatsoever in any way to disrespect or offend anyone in any way. Though I have been working on that as much as I can and stop myself from doing something like that all over again specially in front of customers in the workplace, I have been working on improving myself one day at a time. For a change to be positive and go well with oneself we have to give it time. As it will not happen overnight, as some people expect it to happen. We all are a work in progress, no matter what the situation. Everyone can achieve greatness at any point with a little bit of work and time, but we can all do that. So how come I have been expected to make this sudden change overnight when I had not been talked about what I had been doing wrong at all. Everything was brushed under the table and until it managed to get 'worse' they all resorted to give write ups and being upset and everything else in between when it could had been prevented and gotten better if someone would had talked to me about what I had been doing wrong. That talk would had been a lot nicest to have if someone would had talked to me about what I was doing was wrong, because it would had given me the time to fix it before it went to fluff. It just bothers me that people are more willing to point out the wrong things without having to talk to that person about what may be going on and such before it goes wrong. I think is a better way to talk to the person in private about such matters than bruising it off until it gets bad. As well as complementing the person/s about the good job they have all being doing and that you would like to see more of that good stuff, and perhaps helping whoever may be struggling in some areas to get better and excide and be amazing and put out the best version of themselves rather than the ugly side...

    I apologize for my rant about this, is just I don't think is fair or okay how some managers do things at all, yes there are amazing managers out there, but rare to find. But anyways guys this was my rant about something that was kind of bothering me a little bit, I'm done, I'll just be dramatic over yonder but I will get over it I promise. I wont bore you all with my nonsense b.s. anymore. Ill talk to you guys next time.

                    WITH LOVE, 

                                   VENUZ

                                            

Five Things I Cannot Live Without….

There are many things I cannot live without trust me. But one thing I can acctually cannot live without, is Insulin because for one it keeps me alive! Yes I have type one diabetes and the life juice (insulin) keeps me a live. Thing number two I perhaps cannot live without is coffee and ofcourse water. Coffee is my favorite drink of all time, there is no day I go without drinking coffee, wether is iced cold or warm/hot, I always have a cup on hand. 

Third perhaps thing is books! I stinking love books and music. The type of books I like reading is the ones from Anne Rice her gothic writing is just the right erotic and gothiqui. It gives you a lot to imagine for, and her descriptions for the characters I feel are on point. Not scary but not ‘oh darlin!’ Kinda deal, Anne Rice’s books are the right amount of everything. 

Music on the other hand are memories you can always go back to, some not so good, and majority that are amazing as heckling! Ofcourse there’s always those songs you can shake it all up and move to, and everything in between. 

Music does and will always do amazing things, as well as make people come together, and feel the same feeling all the same time. And that my friends is an amazing thing that music does. My dog should had been on the beggening but hes one thing I can’t live without even though he gets on my nerves at times, but he’s also the one that brings me joy as well….

Hello Again!!

   Hello everyone all over again after a long while since I last spoken to you all. It has been hecktick since then sith me. I don’t quite remember if I ever mentioned to you guys I was quitting my job at the casino I was working at for a new job that’s a lot closer to where I live and it’s during ‘normal business hours’ meaning I don’t work the night shift anymore. Which I am very happy I don’t have to work the night shift anymore, and I am quite liking it very much so!! Not that I didn’t like my job at the casinoI just did not like working the night shift at all anymore. Other than that it has been a okay time working the day shift with pleasant people and having to deal with pleasant is okay as well. I don’t hate peoples I just do t like dealing with them but this new job has made a difference for the past few months and working during the day has made a big difference as well, which I am okay with. 

   Anyway, other than than I have been doing well nothing so big has happened other than starting the new job. I am taking a certificate class next month for Mental Health First Aid, which I am very happy I am able to do so. Other than that I have been a bit more focused on my mental health and overall health as well as on my fur-baby child. Taking one day at a time, though yes at times or days every feels like too much. It feels overwhelming and I feel very anxious but I know it is part of healing mentally and emotionally. 

I hope you guys are doing well out there and stay safe. We’ll talk soon..

       Love, 

            Venuz 🥰

Day 4: My Family..

     So…I have never really talked about my family. I obviously have a family, I rather have it private though. What I can say is that my sister has an amazing career, an amazing husband my brother in law  who is in the Army, and a stinking cute baby!! My nephew! Which I never thought it was posible or this soon, just a year ago almost, my nephew was born. Time flies by so fast! I love my family I do, but of course they get on my nerves!

    And yes, my family and I have had problems just like any other families out there. We of course are doing our best to work trough it all. We are not perfect in any way, we are not picture perfect, but in my brain and eyes we are perfectly imperfect to one another, and as I mentioned before we are trying to work trough out problems, issues, fights and disagreements we have had in the past. Yes I am seeking mental health help. Because if I am not okay in anyway at all, I will not be able to help my family and give my 1000% to them when the time comes whenever they need me. Such as now, one of my moms dog went over the  doggie rainbow bridge and she is mourning so bad. My sister as well, her golden went over the doggie rainbow bridge. I can only imagine how they both are feeling.